Guest Julia Posted April 7, 2004 Report Share Posted April 7, 2004 I danced ballet pretty much my whole childhood and teenage. I never had time to do anything else. Every single thing I did was to become a better dance. I did my school projects by stretching at the same time, brushed my teeth by exercising my muscles at the same time and walked from one room to another while doing different kind of turns. I never was a real ballet fan and found pretty boring to watch ballet, but I loved to dance. The longest relationship I ever have had was with the ballet, so when we broke up five years ago I had no idea about what to do I got two months break to get myself together, check out my motives and get rid of an eating disorder... two years later I was still confused and now five years later I still regret a lot of stuff, feel sorry about letting all of those people down, they put so much energy and time into me and they got absolutely nothing out of it. I still feel like a loser. At the old age of 17 I sweared that I never would take a single dance step in my whole life anymore. It worked out very well for a couple of weeks while I was nursing my legs after the surgeries, which I had, because of dancing way too much with my poor legs. It has been bedroom dancing since then. Two years ago I called to the local dance studio to ask them about adult classes... they had no room for me. A year ago I made a call again and this time they agreed to take me in. The last year has been overall so difficult. It's very hard for me to admit to myself that I danced better when I was 10 years old. I'm in the same line with every single person and most of them have danced like couple of years or so. Slowly but surely I have gained so much my old strengh back and I'm not too sure that it's making stuff any easier at all. I'm studying to become a molecular biologist and all this dancing is supposed to be just a hobby for me, but I'm basically spending all my free time to stretch and exercise again to get my old skills back and be the best I possible can be. I just haven't figured out my motives at all... there is no way I'm going to go anywhere with this dancing, so why to waste any time for it? I feel so frustrated and depressed over half of the classes, because no matter what I did... I sucked and really badly. I feel sorry for the new teacher to be forced to even teach me even she seems to like me... but all these other people are smile on their faces at the adult classes expect me... it's not because I would hate the classes or anything, but I just can't stand how I'm not able to do the stuff anymore. I feel bad to complaine to these co-dancers too, I learn the new routines by watching them once... many of these people never learn them, overall everything is easier for me, but yet I'm the most pissed person in those classes. I love dancing, but I'm just so confused. I have tried to learn to give myself little goals and not getting so upset about not hitting pirouettes every single time, but I'm perfectionist and I pretty much put all my energy to become the best dancer I possible can be... without no reason at all. Who cares how I dance when I never will dance anywhere. Besides, I always was a horrible performer, a good in a tehnique but very crappy what came to be a performer. When I told my granny last summer how I'm going to be dancing ballet again... I was really exchited at that time... she looked at me and said "don't you think you are a little too old for that". I'm 22. So why people dance overall at the old age when they know that they won't be going anywhere with the dancing stuff? Why to put all the energy and all the emotions into one thing which never will really give anything to you? Why to even bother? Quote Link to comment
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