who are your boys best friends?

[Guest happycc]

Who are your son's best friends? Are they mostly dancers or nondancers? Or related to dancers? Sometimes I bet my son feels a bit schizoid. He has a group of friends that knows he dances and is at the dance studio. Another group-mostly neighborhood friends who doesn't or they just arent very aware of how serious he is in it. I feel the sometimes isolated at times having a boy dancer.

I see these moms lugging baseball bats out of their vans or soccer bags and talking about hitting this or that inning and I haven't a clue what they are talking about. I don't know a thing about ball sports and my son wants nothing to do with it. So sometimes it feels like I have three daughters instead of two.

 

 

Carolyn

[Mel Johnson]

So sometimes it feels like I have three daughters instead of two.

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

 

Thank you for sharing that, but at the same time, let me just say that I find a statement like this at least troubling. Boys or girls don't need sports in order to be well-rounded persons. (There, I've said it! Heresy in this town!) They should be conversant in the rules and results of games simply in order to be able to join in social chatter, but it's really not vital that young people be active participants. Especially if they're involved in some other form of activity that provides the important physical benefits of exercise. No wonder people confound dance with sport, but it really has nothing to do with a child's psychosexual development. At the same time, I find it difficult to contain myself when faced with a statement like this from a parent, never mind their friends!

[Guest PAmom]

I also live in a town where sports are overly important. Our family used to play a game to see how long we could go without hearing if the local college football team won or lost or what the score was. Sadly, we could usually tell the results of the game by how badly the students tore up the small trees in town.

 

The point to my above rambling is that it's hard to not be effected by the enthusiasms of the society you live in. Even though we played a game in avoiding the Penn State score, if someone would excitedly come up and want to share their take on the game we understood that it was an important part of their life that was different from our own.

 

One time when biking past all of the sports camps on campus, it helped me to see the students who had come from all over to intensively train at something they were physically good at as ballet dancers at a summer intensive. I realized they were all as excited about learning their sport as my son was about ballet. They were making friends and learning technique that was helping them for when they returned home. Although I know little about scoring goals, scrums, and third base coaching, I can clearly understand what it is like to have a child that is enthusiastic about learning in an environment that allows him/her to totally surround himself with his/her activity.

 

Answering the theme of this post, "who are/were my son's friends", his truest friends are/were ones that understand that he is a person that is not totally defined by a single activity he is involved in. He also understands that his friends might be involved in things that he doesn't have enough time to master even if he has a bit of interest in them. Over the years, his best friends are the ones that are patient and admire him for his focus. They enjoy the rare times they can get together and enjoy a mutual activity, like throwing frisbee or biking.

 

happycc, it sounds like you are feeling left out of things going on with other families around you and wonder what it might be like if your kids had different interests. I am sure you would throw yourself whole heartedly into sports if that is where their interests were. I am sure there are families that see you packing up your kiddos to go to the dance studio and wish they had more time to appreciate the arts.

 

Ever kid is different. Every boy is different from every other boy and not one of them defines exactly what a boy should be like. It is only the Y chromosome that says what his gender is. They are our sons if they lift weights, paint their toenails, beat up their peers, paint portraits, laugh, or cry.

 

Having a son who dances ballet exposes us to things, as parents, that we may not have expected to be exposed to when the midwife first stated, "It's a boy!" If we can set aside all of those preconceived ideas (or even our dreams) of what activities are gender specific, we can do all of our kids a big favor by nurturing them to be the best, well rounded, individuals that they can be.

[its the mom]

Because DS spends much time at the dance studio, naturally most of his friends are other dancers. What I love about ballet is that he is friends with both boys and girls, and he is not isolated to being with just the boys, which would be the case if he were participating in a serious sport. I have watched him a bit this week at his SI when I stop in to see if he is okay and has enough food and water. During their breaks, the boys and the girls play card games, sit and talk, eat lunch together, etc. To me, it is a healthy environment. As Major Mel has said, what is important is that the child is a well-rounded individual. To that end, we have exposed DS to other activities - not just sports activities, although he loves to golf. He has taken music lessons, art lessons, and karate lessons. He did play soccer for quite awhile before he got really serious with dance. We told him he would have to choose because both were taking alot of time. He chose ballet hands down.

 

If your son is happy, no need to worry. My son has knowledge of other sports, but does not feel badly about not playing them. He only wishes he could jump like Michael Jordan. Ha Ha. I am just very happy that he has such a passion for a beautiful art form. I see kids his age floundering - hanging out on corners, not knowing what to do with themselves. We can be glad our kids have focus and direction. Even if it never turns into a professional career, at least he spent his time in something worthwhile. Just my humble opinion.

[Mel Johnson]

He only wishes he could jump like Michael Jordan. Ha Ha.

He only SEEMS like he jumps high, but a lot of it is that most of him is already up there!

[dancemomCA]

My DS's best friends at dance school are his roommate, his classmates and GIRLS!!! He loves to just talk and hang out with the girls, shop, talk fashion & design, etc. Mind you, he is very secure in and happy with himself and has never, ever worried about not playing sports (this was especially reinforced following a fitness test at school where DS came in second to the AAA hockey player!!).

 

As its the mom said, be very thankful that our kids have a focus and drive - I know that my son's passion for dance has given him an opportunity to develop both strength of character and body that many other teenagers will never manage.

[Treefrog]

I don't have a son, so I am clueless in that respect. But, I wanted to address a slightly separate issue in your post. So many times, our own social lives revolve around our kids, or branch out from there. We are friends with the parents of our kids' friends, and vice versa. Especially if one does not work outside the home, opportunities for meeting and making friends are limited. (This is especially true because everyone is so darn busy carting their kids around to THEIR activities.)

 

So ... try to find time for some activities of your own. Maybe a book group or something like that. You will meet some of those other moms -- and maybe they will have kids your son will want to play with!

 

As for being clueless about ball sports -- you can always go watch the games just for fun. I often do this; the ball fields are across the street from my house, so I sometimes just wander over to see what's happening. Parents are always welcoming, and they really like it that I come to watch their kids even though I don't HAVE to. And, of course, you can always get those girls into the soccer program

[werlkj]

For about a year, my son's only real friend outside the family has been an older girl at his ballet studio. Their relationship is similar to that of siblings...though there's only been a couple minor squabbles to date! They like each other a lot, but their relationship is primarily based on their common interest in ballet. He also enjoys a few other girls at the studio, but I understand the girls' conversations don't particularly interest him.

 

His only male friends are his Dad, with whom he can share rafting, canoeing, fishing, climbing, astronomy, etc., and a brother who is a few years younger. But there are no boys my son's age at the studio and very few in our neighborhood, among which are none that he is particularly interested in, much less comfortable sharing with where he is every afternoon. As a result, he has been a bit lonely for several years. We always hoped he'd find someone he could enjoy at an SI, but unfortunately, the SIs he attended when he was younger never had more than 5-6 boys, a small pool when looking for a particular friend.

 

At this year's SI, the total number of boys is three, including my son, but...there are 10-20 other boys in the same dorm attending a simultaneous theater SI. Apparently, we've hit jackpot. My son has finally found a group of guys his age and older that he really enjoys. I've already begun looking into finding an opportunity here where we live (not much hope, unfortunately), but if we lived in a bigger city, I'd think really seriously about getting him into some drama group where he could be a supernumerary, prop guy, something.

[Guest happycc]

I guess I should clarify my statement about having three girls instead of two. I absolutely love the fact that my son loves dance and such but at times it can get lonely in a surburban area where sports play a big part in society. The girls even take soccer extremely seriously here. The area we live in is extremely homophobic and a lot of Christian conservatives. So the minute anyone hears your son dances, they keep their kids away from you for fear that their sons would pick up on that too. Mind you I am a Christian conservative too but I don't think dance would lead a boy to homosexuality.

I guess it is just different to have a son who dances. I have a son who gets excited about getting a dance bag rather than a new mitt. I have a son who gets excited when he got his dance belt and immediately tried it on rather than a new helmet. He asks me to buy him new ballet slippers instead of cleats. I guess it just takes us on on a new path.

When we got our last order of danceware and my son received a dance leotard-my husband freaked out because it looked girlie to him. But I explained that it was for boys. He just sort of rolled his eyes. Mind you my husband is very supportive about the dance but just doesn't go for the girlie look.

In our dance school there is still a very small amount of boys there and my son dances with all girls in his class. Its funny to see some moms and dads praise my son and how well he did but would never consider having their son take dance when suggested that perhaps they could sign their son up for dance.

Anyways instead of having my son chatter about sports stats or debate about sports teams etc he gets all bent out of shape making sure we have the right kind of costume make up and costume outfit-getting a haircut and making sure it is gelled just right. It is just different I guess and lonely sometimes.

[GWTW]

knock knock - parent of a boy, but not a ballet boy -

Happycc, I think the last sentence you wrote is really the heart of the matter. Who's lonely? I get the feeling that it's you and not necessarily your son. It must be pretty tough to be so proud of your son and for your friends and neighbours not to appreciate his achievements, but that's what this board is here for. I've looked up some of your previous posts and FWIW both of you get my wholehearted admiration.

[Mrs. Stahlbaum]

Mother of a girl chiming in: I cherish my friendships with the mothers of the dancing boys at our school. It is nice to talk to someone whose child is interested in the same thing as my daughter, but not in "competition" with her for roles. Don't rule out the other ballet moms as friends just because they have daughters instead of sons.

[Guest happycc]

Yes- I have quite a bit of women friends whose daughters are dancing at the dance academy. But again I have two girls who dance myself as well as my son -so there is still that touch of competition I.

 

I suppose there is a sense of loneliness for my husband and I but there is a certain amount of loneliness for my son. Since we started dancing more seriously the boys my son use to hang out doesn't happen anymore. We had to stop going to the church we were at because I think they were getting wierded out about my son's passion and that is where most of the boys were. So after losing some male friends, no male friends have been replaced.

 

Besides we are so busy with dance and homeschooling who has time to make new friends anyways other than at the dance academy. I spend 80hrs plus a week at the dance academy....totaling all the classes all three of my kids are in.

 

Majority of my son's friends are girls, nonetheless. Or his friends are the brothers of the girls who dance or the dance teacher's sons or grandsons. The brothers usually just hang out at the studio waiting for their sisters to be done with their classes. there is a TV in the lobby so the kids watch videos or play video games.

 

thanks all for your discussions on and suggestions and encouragements on this.

I appreciate all the comments, thoughts and ideas. But mostly I feel that I am not alone-that there are others here going through similar situations.

 

Carolyn

[dancemomCA]

happycc - look for my PM tomorrow.