Auditioning for SIs with friends

[fendrock]

I can understand how it's nice to attend an audition with a friend, to provide mutual support, but what happens when one is acccepted and the other is not?

 

Any words of (proactive) advice?

[AsleepATheWheel]

This is definately going to happen for many kids. DD is auditioning with almost her whole class for many SI's. Many of them are good friends but competition is fierce. I spoke with her about this last year, and this year again. I told her that no matter what happens (eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!) that I do believe that the right thing will happen for her. I am positive she would be jealous if her bff's get hugely sought after spots at the fav. SI's. But, I am hoping that my support and love for her will buffer any disappointments. Of course all kids should congratulate eachother on their successes, part of growing up etc. Doesnt happen as much as it should.

 

Also keep in mind stories of when best buds do attend together...not necessarily a bonding experience. One will be slotted in a higher lever (common tru story) or best bud room mates will feud for 5 weeks (another common tru story).

 

Each experience is part of the learning process. This is a very difficult thing for our young people to go through. As parents, we have to work hard to guide them through it, not only emphasizing their feelings, but also how to care and respond to the feelings of their fellow SI competitors.

 

This is an excellent topic and I look forward to the responses of veterans of the process.

[balletbooster]

I think much depends upon the age of the dancers involved. Those years between 10-14 are tricky years for girls and relationships and they are often not mature enough to handle the one-on-one competition that the audition process presents when they go head-to-head with dancers they also must train with all year long.

 

We had a very unpleasant experience at about age 12-13 where a group went to an out of town audition weekend, with two auditions over 2 days to attend. The first one was one that told who got inat the end of the audition. NOt, via a folded piece of paper, as the Rock does, but by calling out numbers! Of course, one of the 3 dancers did not get in and both she and her mom were upset, mad and embarrassed. It made for a very unpleasant evening and remaining portion of the trip, with the others not being able to talk about their excitement about being accepted and the one who did not get in pouting and acting rather tacky.

 

After this, we did not attend ANY auditions with friends for several years. In fact, an unspoken pact was entered into amongst these 3 girls, who had been ballet buddies since level one. They didn't talk about where they were auditioning or when and NEVER talked about where they got in, unless directly asked. They all managed to find ways to audition without being at the same audition again! We lived between two audition cities at the time, so we often travelled to the city that was an hour further away and they all did videos as well. It kept them all much happier during this period of time.

 

My daughter did go to her first two summers with these 2 girls and there were some minor squirmishes amongst the group due to casting and other such things. My daughter bowed out of the threesome for summer programs after that, but the other two attended for two more summers. One summer one was placed above the other, the next summer the situation was reversed. They had some very prickly moments both summers and the next year decided to go it on their own, and have ever since. They all commented on how much happier they were going to different programs and coming back and sharing experiences at the end of the summer. All 3 moms and daughters planned a luncheon in August and it was nice for the girls to have their unique experiences to share, without the underlying tension.

 

Now, my daughter is in residency and so once again she will be auditioning with her friends for SIs. However, now they are all much older and much more cognizant that there are different abilities, body types, styles, strengths, etc. that are better suited for different programs and that they will not all get into the same programs and they are more accepting of the subjectivity and realities of the dance world.

 

So, to make a long story short: be watchful about auditioning and attending SIs with friends. If it becomes a problem, be willing to drive the extra miles or prepare a video. Sustaining those valued ballet friendships over the middle years can require some extra effort and planning!

[fendrock]

Balletbooster, we are in the 12-13 year old range of which you speak. I think that, at this age, the girls like the idea of doing something with their friends, and are reluctant to see the potential downside of a situation.

 

And, of course, a mother's word of advice is not always welcome... (or, should I say, generally discouraged...)

[dbleon]

Don't dispair, even after they turn 20 our advice is most often not welcomed, but our money always is!! At this age they learn not to take their "competition" for job's with them.....but they take their cell phones so they can call across the country with updates...friendships remain intack!

[thedriver]

Balletbooster once again your words ring true. The problems occur when the dancers are close in age and class level at the home studio. An older teenage dancer (15-17y/o) and a younger dancer (11-13y/o) traveling to auditions or attending the same program can be a win/win situation. When DD was 12 she attended a SI with another dancer from her studio that was 16. They didn’t room together but both girls felt it was nice knowing if they needed help or a sympathetic ear - a friend was near by. I believe a couple of times during the summer they had lunch together and shared home-studio “###### and scoop”.

[vagansmom]

Yes, that 11 - 14 age range is the toughest. But I think some of that can be mitigated if all parents spend some real time with their kids rehearsing in advance what to say and how to behave in both instances - being the one accepted and being the one not accepted. "What will you say to _______ if she doesn't get in and you do?" "What will you say to ______ if she gets in and you don't?" Knowing and practicing exact words to say and ways to behave - the etiquette - IN ADVANCE of the actual situation keeps the dancers from uttering something rude even when it's really not intended but comes out in the shock of disappointment.

 

What often happens is that someone is accepted, another isn't, and then everyone feels awkward. At that point, kids that age start to think the other is a "snob" (the one who got in) or "jealous", etc. We can't prevent the disappointment entirely but we can prevent the wrong way to deal with it. So, remove the awkwardness by preparing your child. I wish schools would teach this to their students when they first reach the age of auditions.

 

By the time the kids are 16-ish. they've figured this out on their own and their maturity level is such that they now have better ability to withstrain themselves from saying something that could be construed as hurtful. But at the younger ages, the kids really do need the training.

[mom1]

Great topic!!! My almost 13 year old daughter is hoping to attend her first choice SI and room together with a 14 year old friend who is clearly better than her, without the rest of the group of friends. If everyone gets in and goes, as they all hope, she is very worried about jealousies and fall out when they are inevitably placed at different levels. This is a big concern for her, so it is interesting to hear all of your experiences.

[mini cooper]

Because it is hard to get parents on the same page about things, and because emotion does take over at times, this is very difficult.

 

We found early in the process that other families wanted to do things as a group. This was never my dd's first choice. She is very independent. However, there were some uncomfortable moments when she did not get in and good buddy did.

 

Just last night we talked about how that works, and what kind of lessons she learned from the process. She tried to be gracious about it, but it cut pretty deep - certainly not her friend's fault. For a while she felt she was a bad dancer, etc....When emotions run high for any age group, it clouds the thinking, and actions or words are often miscontrued. What she feels she has learned....you cannot take your skill for granted.....in or out, it is important to be gracious and kind.....never be arrogant.

 

Last year in many cases DD was in a younger group than other kids at her previous school, and we were able to steer clear of the group approach. This year in her new school, many of her peers are auditioning for SI's, and there is a bit of overlap in the programs for which they are auditioning. We are taking the approach that we are on our own - it works well because we live in a different town, and are not really in a position to carpool with other folks. Although there has been quite a bit of discussion about who is auditioning for what, dd refuses to be influenced by what everyone else is doing, and is focused on what she perceives to be the best for her.

 

It has always been our policy not to let dd room with kids from her home school. That has served us well. DD has gone away since age 11. She is very mature and independent, and really likes to make new friends. She has never wanted to be tied down by rooming with someone she knows. From visiting with folks over the years, I think this is the best approach. It lets the kids remain friends with their home school friends, but they meet more people than they otherwise would have.

 

As I said somewhere else on this forum, it's nice to be older and wiser about this stuff. However, that has not come without considerable pain. DD and I really had a nice visit about this last night - how hard rejection is...how different places style their rejection letters....how it feels to get in when buddies don't....how it feels not to get in when buddies do. These are all good things to visit about as we head into the season. DD is excited about her first audition tonight, and is eager to see what this audition season brings. Meanwhile, I'm filling up the mini with gas, and printing my maps!

 

Best to all,

mc

[mom1]

That's a great suggestion to require DD to room with someone from another school. In our case I don't think it will be an issue if they all get in. I think they will. However if this specific friend, whom we know will be placed higher, decides to go to a different SI, then maybe I'll suggest we go for "taking advantage of the opportunity to meet new people" and room with someone else. I think she'd be really up for that.

[msd]

By the time the kids are 16-ish. they've figured this out on their own and their maturity level is such that they now have better ability to withstrain themselves from saying something that could be construed as hurtful. But at the younger ages, the kids really do need the training.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Let us hope we all survive until the kids are mid teen. (Written by a mother of an 11-year-old....). Although dd plans to attend a local SI again this summer, we're in the midst of a similar situation with casting of the next production -- the AD chose several girls from the school to be in the upcoming pro production -- very cool. Casting came out yesterday. Dd was upset to see she is placed in "b" cast, because she feels that "a" is the better cast (whether that is so or not is up for conjecture). Anyway, one of her good friends is in the "a" cast. Mom of "a" cast child confided to me that her daughter was devastated to be placed in "a" because "all of my friends, dd included, are in "b"". Just can't predict how a 'tween will think!

 

However, in the midst of all this high drama, it is good to have the wise council of the BA parents who have gone before, seen it all, and know... We have had several discussions regarding empathy and anticpatory guidance...it's good to know that some of it may even "take" once a little maturity sets in!!

[Guest balletandsynchro]

Like balletbooster's daughter mine is in a residency school, and will be auditioning with many of her peers. However, now that DD is 15, most of her peers have specific programs they are interested in for various reasons and know that due to body type, style, etc they will not necessarily be accepted into the same programs, and have more understanding of how subjective auditions can be.

 

Like balletbooster and her daughter, we also had a terrible experience going to an SI audition with friends, when DD was 12. It was the Rock audition, and of the three girls, one was not accepted, and another girl placed at a higher level than the other. It made for a very uncomfortable situation, with one girl crying the whole way home, and another girl disappointed. We too decided after that, to travel to ALL SI auditions on our own, and my DD decided it was best for her to try to register AWAY from her friends, so that there was less of a chance of being placed next to each other at the barre.

 

Every year DD has been at a summer intensive she has gone on her own. She has made some very nice friends, and has enjoyed talking with other home studio friends about the intensives each attended. SI acceptance is sort of like getting a test grade - rather personal! Better to wait until/if the information is volunteered - otherwise it's best not to ask!

 

Vagansmom made excellent suggestions on what to say if accepted/not accepted. It's always nice to be gracious!

[nlkflint]

Many wise words, especially

Yes, that 11 - 14 age range is the toughest. But I think some of that can be mitigated if all parents spend some real time with their kids rehearsing in advance what to say and how to behave in both instances - being the one accepted and being the one not accepted. "What will you say to _______ if she doesn't get in and you do?" "What will you say to ______ if she gets in and you don't?" Knowing and practicing exact words to say and ways to behave - the etiquette - IN ADVANCE of the actual situation keeps the dancers from uttering something rude even when it's really not intended but comes out in the shock of disappointment.

DD auditioned "solo" as one of the few auditioning from her studio in her level for two years. It was one audition the first year and two the second. Those were the quiet years. The next year it was many auditions and many friends auditioning. Lots of car-pooling. Thank goodness no auditions with results "on the spot." DD and I had the talk about how she would feel if and when a friend was accepted and she was not. And what she would say. And what was the right way to respond and act. That year we had "big name" auditions and fall back auditions. Before the responses came in she agonized about not getting in. Turns out she was the one accepted when others were not. It was a tough time for her. At times she wished she was the one who did not make it. The girls were 12 and 13. Those tough years. She learned alot and grew up in many ways.

 

She is also away this year. The auditions will only be a few. Depending on things we may do a video and may not. Many will go to the auditions as a group.

However, now they are all much older and much more cognizant that there are different abilities, body types, styles, strengths, etc. that are better suited for different programs and that they will not all get into the same programs and they are more accepting of the subjectivity and realities of the dance world.

Thankfully she is with friends that have bonded and are each others support systems. And at 14-18 they are more mature and have all been through both sides of the letters. Ahhh what a difference a few years make Sadly, no pink ribbons for me to wear this year.

[Treefrog]

I have one DD who, at 16, has reached the light at the end of the tunnel and truly doesn't much care about where her friends are accepted (except to feel happy for them, and perhaps a little jealous).

 

The other DD, however, is smack-dab in the 11-14 age range, and jealousy is rampant in her cohort! Issues have come up around Nutcracker casting, for example. Kids this age have such a tough time separating out someone else's intent from their own feelings! If one kid says, "Sorry, I have to go to Snow rehearsal now," another will comment on how snooty she is for lording her casting over them. I love the way one mom described them: "They have a high center of gravity." Meaning, it doesn't take much to tip them.

 

This difficulty handling emotions is just one reason that I don't think it's a good idea for the youngsters to go away to SIs. The whole process is unnecessarily fraught with emotional peril. Let them wait a couple of years and settle down!

 

It's time for my annual reflection: when I came on this board, just three years ago, NO ONE talked about sending 12-year-olds to SIs. Now, it seems, people feel that's the standard starting age, or maybe even late in the game! Well ... I say it's too young.

[Momof3darlings]

In terms of the audition process, It is always stressful with friends auditioning. We came from a small studio first with only one or two dancers auditioning so it was not an issue. However, now, we're at a studio where everyone auditions. DD says that is alot harder when friendships are involved, even in the best