Feeling down because of comparing myself to other

[je danse dans ma tete]

I'm still pretty new at dance and I admit that I still pretty much suck. I come away from class thinking "man I'm bad at this! why don't I just stick to soccer or something?" But I yearn to learn ballet, I need to learn it and have always wanted to. On days when I am decent at it, I come from class thinking "gee I'm fat compared to evryone else in the class! why do I bother? why don't I do something that bigger people can do and look half-decent?" It seems like I'm always down about my skill/ability or my body shape/size. My teacher keeps saying "look at the mirror, not at the floor!" and I just can't because I feel like a big ungraceful whale. I skipped class tonight because I put my outfit on and thought "who am I kidding I should not be wearing ballet cothes!" This is a recent development, I have always been an optimist. Anyone else experienced this before? How do I stop being so negative when I think of me in dance class?

[Mel Johnson]

Don't do that.

 

In order to work professionally, even if you have no ambitions to go on the stage, but work in class like a pro, you have to develop a sort of impartiality to what you see in the mirror. It's a controlled dissociation, which in most other activities would be a borderline mental disturbance. After awhile, you don't become emotionally involved with what you see at all. Except, maybe sometimes, to get mad at it!

[insidesoloist]

Would it help to think about the fact that other people appreciate your presence there? Does it help at all to think that your teacher isn't comparing you to the others? Or to think that people might admire you for wearing the ballet clothes even though you don't feel so hot in them?

 

I have a friend who used the mirror solely to help her learn the steps. Once she got those down, she just stopped using it because she didn't like what she saw, either. I suppose another option, if you have an excellent imagination, is to imagine what you want to see when you look at yourself in the mirror.

[je danse dans ma tete]

Thanks Major Mel, I'll work at becoming more impartial.

 

insidesoloist: I know the teacher isn't comparing me to anybody else, and she actually says that I'm good for being a beginner (most people in the class are not- it is an "open" level class for young adults (18-25).

It's just that the others are all so good at dance and so skinny (like size 0-2, where I'm about a size 7). Sometimes I think they may be embarrassed to see me in the class because I look like I am having a seizure instead of dancing, and also I worry that the sight of me in tight clothes offends them. It's hard on my mind also because I don't have any friends in the class so I feel kind of isolated.

[insidesoloist]

Do you remember when the heroines of every tween book were "a perfect size 6"? Well, I do, and it wasn't that long ago! If the sight of you in tight clothes offends anyone, that person needs to get a grip (in my admittedly outspoken opinion, anyway). It's an "open" class, not a selective club. I really hope you can enjoy yourself there, and soon. I'm sure I'm not alone while I wish I could wave some magic wand to make you more comfortable in your leotard and tights... Meanwhile, how would you like to try and practice Mel's controlled dissociation ? Is there any chance of making some friends in class? Or of bringing one with you?

[Rhapsody]

When I went back to ballet, decades(I believe it had been 30 years) after last standing at a barre, I was very bad. But to add insult to injury, just when I started to get into the groove, I had injuries: 1 from overstretching and the other from jumping on an already weakened knee. I had to give it up.

 

I don't remember the other students in the class other than there were a lot of adults from various walks of life, various ages. I was probably the oldest or close to it. Somehow I just accepted that I was going to be the worst student and focused on practicing the steps. This helped block out any focus on competition. However, from this distance I could see the various competitive kids in the class. (Some of them were bad as well, but not as bad as me.) But I didn't spend a lot of time looking at them, because what for? I had accepted my role in the pecking order of a class and agreed to stay in the background and work on myself.

 

I felt like maybe my slowness and poor technique would hold the class back and so would excuse myself after the barre (I never again returned to being able to do a full 90 minute class.) That was probably the reason why I lasted around six months. The stretching injury happened in class when I stupidly forgot that I lost flexibility and did a higher seconde grande battement than my current flexibility allowed because my memory got hold of control and reason was lost for 1 brief movement. Ouch! But the killer for me was the knee injury. This was not injured in ballet class. It happened after dancing in a nightclub. And got worse after 1 jump on 1 leg in the second jazz class of the year.

 

Anyway, I miss it and wish I could return. Try thinking of the comparison game as a waste of your time and resource in a class, and see your time allotment to take ballet class as diminishing and enjoy the moment.

 

For me, I'm looking for a class for the old and injured returning students that focuses on carriage, limberness, smoothness of movements and rhythm, balance and a lot of port de bras. I've tried yoga and pilates and just don't get the same feeling of joy from movement. Like the first time you learn how to push yourself up on a swing. Ballet is a very coordinated way of moving your body to music. And it feels very good.

 

PS: I encourage you to read 'When the teacher wants to take class" under the Dance Education/Teachers section. Toward the bottom are some posts that echo the above: enjoy class while you can!

[Jaana Heino]

I am not sure if this helps, but I have been struggling with that too and still am. I have a bad mentality that causes me to give up too easily and feel frustrated if I do not get everything if not the first time, then at least latest the second!

 

The only thing that keeps me going for these plateaus of progress and depths of despairs is what you said too:

But I yearn to learn ballet, I need to learn it

I actually tried quitting or at least taking a long break last spring. I lasted maybe three weeks before enrolling again. I think I could not dance if classes were not available, or if I did not have the money, or if there was a physical reason. To not dance while I knew the classes are there for me to take was just... not possible. I cannot describe it, but from the above I think you know the feeling.

 

It still makes me frustrated more often than not. I have spoken to my teachers who more or less say I should just stick to the frustrating classes I am in now, not overdo it, and work through it. I am working on patience and humbleness now.

[dido]

I wish I had a magic wand too. Is there any chance you need glasses or contact lenses? If so, maybe you could consider taking them off/out for class? And it's possible to not look in the mirror but not look at the floor as well.

Another thing to consider, is that I would be very, very, very surprised if anyone in class is paying attention to you at all--much less negative attention. In every open class I have ever been in each dancer is paying attention only to his/her own work and problems. Unless you are banging into other students they certainly aren't upset at your presence in class.

Finally, if everyone in your class is really a size 0 or 2, you might want to explore other classes in the area. You'll find that dancers come in all shapes and sizes in the real world. Unless you aspire to dance on stage it doesn't matter what size you are. The large and round can do a tendu as well as the small and straight. I myself am built along the lines of a rhinocerous and am not half bad, all things considered.

 

eta: And the most important thing of all: You can't get better unless you go to class, and classes aren't going to do you much good if you are fretting about how you look and what others think of you. Does your school have a dress code? If not you might feel more comfortable in sweats.

[kasaba]

I'm still pretty new at dance and I admit that I still pretty much suck. I come away from class thinking "man I'm bad at this! why don't I just stick to soccer or something?" But I yearn to learn ballet, I need to learn it and have always wanted to. On days when I am decent at it, I come from class thinking "gee I'm fat compared to evryone else in the class! why do I bother? why don't I do something that bigger people can do and look half-decent?" It seems like I'm always down about my skill/ability or my body shape/size. My teacher keeps saying "look at the mirror, not at the floor!" and I just can't because I feel like a big ungraceful whale. I skipped class tonight because I put my outfit on and thought "who am I kidding I should not be wearing ballet cothes!" This is a recent development, I have always been an optimist. Anyone else experienced this before? How do I stop being so negative when I think of me in dance class?

 

Je danse, we are all proud of you just for having the guts to suit up and show up!!! As a beginner in my late 40s (and a size 6) I have felt the same way a time or two myself! I have found it helpful, at those times, to ask myself two questions:

1. Why and for whom am I doing this? and
   
2. What did I do better this week than last week?
   

Okay, so that's really three questions, but anyway . . . If you are doing this for yourself because you have always wanted to do it, you are by definition succeeding just by being there -- even if you literally fall on your butt. If you're try to impress/keep up with your more experienced classmates, you're setting yourself up for failure. Besides, they're too busy watching themselves to look at you.

 

And if you can do even one thing even a little bit better today than last time, that is progress. I am in my third year and just beginning to sometimes look like I'm dancing. So what if you don't improve as fast as somebody else? YOU ARE NOT SOMEBODY ELSE -- YOU ARE YOU! And that is beautiful!

 

You might also want to look at other things that have improved, or could improve, because of ballet. Are you getting more flexible and agile? Is your balance and coordination getting better? Are there ways in which ballet might sharpen your soccer footwork if you stick with it? You are a whole person with a whole life.

 

Keep the faith!

[mermangel]

i think you have received some positive support and things to think about. i definitely agree that anyone who is working hard is NOT watching you, but concentrating on his/herself. i can understand your feeling insecure due to your perceived "poor" performance in class and your personal feelings about your size/wright, but i am telling you that negative self talk will only result in a self fulfilled prophesy. you must start to turn your thinking around NOW. anytime a negative thought begins you must put it on hold and think of the most supportive thing you can to banish the bad thought. if you think "wow, i rally messed up that combination..." rethink it, and say "i have always wanted to do this, i am giving it my all. i will get better." would you treat a friend the way you are treating yourself? NEVER! you must be KIND to yourself, be suportive, looving and forgiving, but keep working and KEEP going to class!!! you say you have always wanted to dance ballet, why let this fear of looking in the mirror and what others "might" think of you put a stop to a dream? i am 37 and have been dancing off and on (after pregnancies) for 2+ years. in the last year i have lost 20 pounds simply because i have been inspired to because of LOOKING in the mirror in class. and you know what? i may not be the best dancer in the class, but i am sure as heck the hardest working. (i mark every combination (or go full out in a corner) and am always challenging myself and the teacher, to learn more.) so let the 17 year olds in my class snicker if they want to, i wouldn't notice, i am TOO BUSY trying to improve. please don't give up. hold your head up high, look yourself in the eye and DANCE!

[dance1soccer1]

Knock knock, non-dancing mom of a teen DD. Let me tell you something, when the teen pre-pro girls and their moms (me!) look in the window and see the adult ballet class, the LAST thing on their minds is your weight or skill level. The only comments I hear from these girls is wow, I hope that I'm still dancing when I'm older or, how cool is that, to start ballet when you are grown up. And what I'm thinking is, gosh, what an awesome example you are to me and to these kids. It's a reminder that dance is fun and special and can be enjoyed by everyone. You are impressive to us, so don't get down on yourselves! And certainly, these kids (and adults) who have danced for years are WELL aware of the work it takes to look good in class. They know if you are just starting or just resuming dance, and they are impressed by how you work to pick it up. No snickers here, just gratitude and pride.

[olddude]

I'm still pretty new at dance and I admit that I still pretty much suck. I come away from class thinking "man I'm bad at this! why don't I just stick to soccer or something?" But I yearn to learn ballet, I need to learn it and have always wanted to. On days when I am decent at it, I come from class thinking "gee I'm fat compared to evryone else in the class! why do I bother? why don't I do something that bigger people can do and look half-decent?" It seems like I'm always down about my skill/ability or my body shape/size. My teacher keeps saying "look at the mirror, not at the floor!" and I just can't because I feel like a big ungraceful whale. I skipped class tonight because I put my outfit on and thought "who am I kidding I should not be wearing ballet cothes!" This is a recent development, I have always been an optimist. Anyone else experienced this before? How do I stop being so negative when I think of me in dance class?

I think all of us late beginners feel pretty stupid and incompetent at first. I know I did. I started three years ago; I was 56 and had not danced since the exercise Nazis in elementary school forced me to do square dancing in the 5th grade. I still don't really understand why I started, but Jaana Heino is right -- if you have to, you just have to. I hope you can trust me on this - a grey-haired guy pushing sixty feels as out of place in a ballet class full of young women as it is possible to feel!

 

You know, if looking good was more important to you than dancing, you would not be in ballet class - you'd be taking "Shallowness 101" at the local modeling academy. But here you are, in class, because something inside you knows this is what you need to study. I say, respect that something (i.e. the unconcious) because it's smarter than you are.

 

Somewhere in the first six months, I realized that if I wasn't willing to look like a fool I wasn't going to learn anything. As we get older, we get used to succeeding - and if we're not careful, start avoiding situations where we won't succeed. But of course, all learning is done from mistakes - you have to make mistakes to learn. You just can't afford to care about it. I have to admit, I had to give myself this same talking-to before every class for the first year or two. I'd leave every class feeling exhilarated but crushingly embarrassed.

 

Eventually it will settle down, You'll know some of the other regulars, you'll be the one to reassure and encourage the newbies. Then you can brace yourself to try the next level of class, and do it all again.

[Sakura]

I'm as self-conscious as you are but amusingly the habit of wearing skimpy clothing in ballet has carried over to my street clothes. My mother hates it however. She says that a fat person with bad skin has no business wearing spaghetti strap tops in public.

 

Well, I know I may offend some people's eyes but if they don't like it they can just look elsewhere

[Blanche]

I come away from class thinking "man I'm bad at this! why don't I just stick to soccer or something?" But I yearn to learn ballet, I need to learn it and have always wanted to. On days when I am decent at it, I come from class thinking "gee I'm fat compared to evryone else in the class! why do I bother? why don't I do something that bigger people can do and look half-decent?" It seems like I'm always down about my skill/ability or my body shape/size. My teacher keeps saying "look at the mirror, not at the floor!" and I just can't because I feel like a big ungraceful whale.

 

Believe me, you don't even need to be a beginner to have days like you've described! We all have days (even weeks) where we don't measure up to our own perceptions of what we should be able to do or even what we look like.

 

As far as the mirror goes, I subscribe to Major Mel's well-described "controlled dissociation." What's worked for me to move to that stage is looking at my face in the mirror rather than focusing on my body. I also try to stand where I have the best possible (i.e. "skinny/tall") mirror!

[skyish]

I totally understand how you feel, and I know that it is not about what others may see while looking at you, it's about what YOU see... I'm taking private classes, there is noone else around to see me, and my teacher always yells at me to look in the mirror not the floor..And I just can't. Believe me it's not about being skinny or size 7 (I don't know what size 7 is in my country.. but that's not my point) because I'm considered skinny too but I'm always worried about my looks, I'm afraid of seeing myself there, ungraceful and untalented.

 

I know it sucks to be a beginner, I'm a restarter after approximately 8 years of a break, and you want to achieve all in just one day; I know I do... I've taken only 8 classes so far and I pretty much hate myself because all I can do is some barre work for now, I'm not strong enough to do heavy center-work and I'm disappointed because I thought I could be en pointe in one month, I thought at least during barre work I could look like Polina Semionova or any other principal, but it IS impossible if I don't leave my worries and concerns aside and keep up the good work. I know someday I will be able to look in the mirror and I will like what I will see; but that's only after if I accept that some things take time, too much time..Because noone actually looks ugly, noone can "be" ugly or ungraceful; ballet is about reflecting your emotions you know, if you are feeling good things, if you are confident, if you KNOW that you are doing it good; you would look cool. If you don't, you won't. Ever...

 

Just give yourself some time to accept that it takes time to be good. I also should do that...