je danse dans ma tete Posted April 19, 2008 Report Share Posted April 19, 2008 I am writing this because I have no one to talk to about it in person. I know it may seem silly but I thought if anyone in the world could relate it would be someone on BT4D, so here goes. Mainly it is an emotional outpouring so please bear with me and if it is not appropriate, mods- please remove it. I started ballet last year. I am in my early 20s and I KNOW there is no chance of a dance career for me at this point... I had no dance background at all before starting ballet. So that's not an issue. The issue is that I love ballet wholeheartedly and have problems admitting that because I feel taht it is somehow stupid... I mean it would be okay if I were good but heck, I am only in adult intermediate level! (about RAD grade 6 at our school). I spend hours reading books about technique and dancer biographies, and try to get in as many classes as I can afford (3 per week currently). I never skip or miss class and I always try my hardest. I have a little library of dance books and DVDs of which I never tire. I am embarrassed to admit that at my age I also put quite a bit of effort into looking like a dancer in terms of hair and attire. And yes I am addicted to dancewear... I know I am in good company with that here! And I dream fervently of dancing beautifully and strongly en pointe one day in the not too distant future. Sometimes though- actually most times- I feel fake when I see the real dancers in the halls, like I am trying to pass myself off as something that I am not and will never be. My main issue right now is that my teachers (3 different ones at the same school) are all very tough on me... more so than on other students. The other students agree that this is the case too, so this is not just subjective mumbo-jumbo. I always try to take their corrections and improve but sometimes it takes days before I am able to put into practice what they are asking me to do. Most understand that and encourage me to keep pushing and I get better and better as a result because I am not stressed out about doing better... so it just happens, you know? But last class was different in that it was very difficult for me emotionally. I am a natural introvert and one of my teachers kept singling me out for correction. I felt like everything I attempted was wrong... Every 5 seconds he was yelling my name and a correction. He forced me to stand in the center of the studio for the entire duration of the center exercises because he said I was hiding. I got flustered of course and messed up combinations that I normally enjoy... and everyone saw me mess up and half the things were so simple. And on top of that he drew attention to me for making those nervous mistakes and made me go again and again by myself. At several moments I felt like crying- that lump in the throat did not leave me all night. I snapped near the end of class and walked off the diagonal during a combination-not because I was pouting but because I was flustered and forgot completely what i was doing and needed to get out of other dance,rs' paths... of course he made me go again by myself. And again. I felt my spirit breaking. I wondered if he was trying to tell me that I should be in a lower level, so after class I asked him if i needed to go back to fundamentals and made it seem like I would be fine with that decision if it is what he had in mind (really it would have crushed me) but he asked whatever gave me that idea, as I was fine in that level and he was the teacher and 'ultimate authority' in class (yes he said that) so he should know, and he reassured me that I could do everything required in the class. He said that I tend to beat myself up and prevent myself from growing because I am afraid to try... his reaction is what makes me afraid to try because if I get it wrong I know he will single my mistakes out and show them to the world... it's like I am the only one doing anything wrong (I know I am not- why doesn't he correct everyone else?) On top of his reaction to my mistakes, there's my personality and my reaction to his corrections... I am painfully shy at the worst of times, charmingly introverted at the best of times. I do not like to be singled out, and I need time to think about and mark steps before trying them, and I need to feel safe... not coddled, just secure- like I am allowed to make errors as long as I am working to correct them. I'm so down and I have experienced this several times with this teacher. I told him about my personality and he just pushes harder and harder since learning that I am shy. I'm so upset... it may sound juvenile, but I try so hard and it just breaks me to feel that I suck at everything... He is not this hard on other people. Everyone keeps saying that I am so lucky to get so much attention from him, especially since it is an adult class and is rather large. They say 'well he does not have to correct you but he thinks you are worth the effort so obviously he sees potential in you' but there is never a word of encouragement! I feel like hiding under a rock... I don't know if I am expecting too much of myself or of him... I have always believed that through determination, patience and dedication anyone can improve at any activity but that does not seem to hold true in the mind of this teacher as far as my learning and abilities are concerned. At the end of class he said I should be proud for just trying even if I get it wrong but then when I get it wrong he yells! How can I be proud of myself then?! Confusing. Just a rambling, confused blurb but I really need some support or I might not go back to ballet next week... and I love it so much. These repeated experiences are dampening my enthusiasm for my other teachers' ballet classes as well. If you've read this far, thank you for listening... Lauranne Quote Link to comment
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