Letting off steam

[Guest tipo'thetoes]

I logged on to post this message mainly to let off steam, but I would appreciate comments and advice from other members.

 

It's difficult to know how to explain this. At my daughter's ballet school certain girls are picked out and offered scholarships to a local private academic school. This usually covers about half their school fees. I haven't ever really understood why the ballet principal does this, but I think it's her way of holding on to her talented pupils and preventing them from leaving to go to full time vocational dance schools. They do all their academic classes at this private school and continue with their ballet classes at the dance school. However there is one child who has 100% of her school fees paid and gets her ballet classes free as well. In return her mother and grandmother both do various odd jobs for the ballet school like administrative work and general dogsbody stuff. The mother of this girl is also a qualified dance teacher and sometimes supervises rehearsals for shows.

 

For some reason this mother who is always hanging around at classes even when she is not required to assist, has started victimising my daughter. Last week was "watching week" at the ballet school where parents are invited to watch ballet classes. Parents usually only watch their own child's classes, but this woman watched all my daughter's classes, including those that her own daughter wasn't in and pulled derogatory faces at her throughout the classes. Whenever my daughter danced, this woman pulled a face to imply that she was doing it wrong or shook her head at her. You can imagine how this affected my daughter's self confidence. I advised my daughter not to look at her, but she found it quite difficult. I wanted to call the ballet principal to complain, but because of the close relationship between this woman and the principal, my daughter didn't want me to complain in case of repercusions.

 

However, today we arrived slightly late for a show rehearsal because of terrible traffic caused by rain storms. The lady took this an excuse to be really rude to my daughter and continue with this face pulling throughout the rehearsal. She openly and rudely chastised my daughter for being late, which really upset her. I am sure that this woman has the intelligence to know that being late was not my daughter's fault. Even if it weren't for the traffic problems, it is my responsibility to get my daughter to class on time and if she's late, it's my fault, not hers, but it's like she was looking for an excuse to continue upsetting my daughter.

 

I was very upset at how unhappy she is making my daughter and how she seems to be deliberately attempting to destroy her confidence, but I didn't know what to do as she has an influential relationship with the ballet principal and is known to manipulate things in order to undermine others and maintain her daughter's position in the school. I promised my daughter to stay out of it and was about to leave the studio when the lady herself came up to me and rudely ordered me to leave, saying I was in the way. It's difficult to describe her tone and how rude she was. I was so angry at how she is bullying my daughter, that I lost my temper and warned her not to even talk to me as I knew that if she did I'd say all the things that I'd promised my daughter I wouldn't. I did leave, but, to my daughter's horror, I had made it clear that I was angry and upset, but to my own frustration had not had an opportunity to really voice my feelings on the matter.

 

My difficulty is really what to do next. I presume that this lady will have probably preempted my complaints by telling the principal I was rude to her, when in reality she had been rude to me. I feel that she oughtn't to be allowed to get away with this victimisation, but am concerned I could make things worse for my daughter by bringing it up with the principal. I really don't know what is behind this lady's behaviour and can only conjecture that it could be something to do with my daughter leaving to go to the Royal Ballet School soon. I don't want to cast aspertions, but I wonder if there is some jealousy behind it. I wonder if she regrets tying her own daughter into a relationship of debt to the ballet principal which prevents her from going to a vocational school. My daughter has been very quiet about leaving and has not discussed it with the other girls in the ballet school. Nobody knew she auditioned as the principal does not approve of girls leaving to go to full time vocational schools at 11. However, they seem to have found out from somewhere. This is a complicating consideration as the principal herself is not likely to be well disposed to take my daughter's side in this for that reason. However, I'd like to have an opportunity to explain things to the principal if this lady is going out of her way to cause problems for us in the principals eyes.

 

What concerns me is that whatever else, this lady seems to have lost sight of the fact that for the majority of the children this is a hobby that they do for fun out of the joy of dance. It's not compulsory academic school where they have to be chastised for every mistake and made to feel unhappy about themselves.

[Mel Johnson]

You've proposed the exact right course of action; complain to the school principal.

 

What you're describing is a hostile environment. As the other mother is a sort of employee of the school, receiving benefits for labor, then that makes her accountable. If there is retaliation, that only makes it worse, and I don't know what English law is on the matter, but it strikes me as a possible item of interest for a Human Rights Council.

[Ballet Fanatique]

If your dd is leaving very soon, another possibility is to just leave without creating additional drama.

It is not worth doing anything that might make it even harder on your daughter, especially when you know she is moving on to bigger and better things.

[Serendipity]

You've proposed the exact right course of action; complain to the school principal.

 

What you're describing is a hostile environment. As the other mother is a sort of employee of the school, receiving benefits for labor, then that makes her accountable. If there is retaliation, that only makes it worse, and I don't know what English law is on the matter, but it strikes me as a possible item of interest for a Human Rights Council.

 

I do happen to know English law under the matter. I would recommend that you complain IN WRITING to the principal of the school. Is your daughter only there until the end of this term? If so, then it's definitely worth writing a letter of complaint.

 

I would venture to say that your daughter is likely not the first this parent has victimised and, must say, if the principal keeps her on, not likely to be the last. Your daughter must be exceptionally good for her to do this to her. It's unfortunately, in both my own experience AND observation, a common thread in English schools, whatever type, to pull down those who are "too good" so to speak.

 

There's a law on the English books called "Protection from Harrassment" - in your letter, you might wish to cite this, as in "Under the Protection from Harrassment Act, my daughter is not required to endure such behaviour, especially from someone who works for the school..."

 

It will only get worse, even if you don't complain. Bullies work that way. Make sure, in your letter, to require that the woman NOT be permitted to observe your daughter's classes at all. If she works there, then she needs to work, not tool around and watch other classes for fun. But you don't want to say THAT part.

 

Make a list of exactly what it is you want, and make sure to include it in the letter.

 

I hope this is helpful. With all the current gumpf about bullying in schools and how schools are supposed to tackle it, I would hope your principal will take it seriously. Remember, too, that word of mouth damages more than anything. All you need do is tell everyone in your dance circle about the behaviour of this woman and the school MAY lose pupils because of it.

[Guest tipo'thetoes]

Thank you to everybody for all these responses. I did call the ballet principal this morning and her first response was to tell me to handle the problem with the parent myself. She said it was a petty issue and she couldn't let these things concern her, but after more conversation, where I emphasised the impact it was having on my daughter, she became more understanding about it. She herself said that it was probably caused by jealousy and her main point was that my daughter has to learn to be resilient to these things as ballet is a very competitive world where people are often jealous. However, she did offer to make sure that the lady who is treating my daughter like this will not be chaperoning her group at the show rehearsals and performances this week. My daughter is leaving after that and hopefully it will enable her to enjoy the show and not feel the fear and anxiety that has been marring the last few classes and rehearsals because of this woman. I am pleased that I have made the ballet principal aware of this as I think many of the parents would not want to complain for fear of rocking the boat and out of concern about repercusions for their children. I don't know if it will make a difference for other children, but I'm pleased that my complaint has been acknowledged and treated reasonably.

[yankee]

Parents have to learn to be resilient too as their children learn to handle more on their own. A transition takes place wherein we step back and maintain control over the temptation to become involved and say something. Before then it is reasonable to advocate for our children, when truly necessary, but also within reason. Then we have to let it go and move on.

[Guest tipo'thetoes]

I ought to have added somewhere that this woman's own daughter is very talented and has often beaten my daughter in competitions, which is why I was reluctant to suspect jealousy and why I find the mother's behaviour particularly difficult to understand.

 

Yankee, thank you for your PM. I am sorry I have not had time to respond, but I will do soon.

[Serendipity]

Parents have to learn to be resilient too as their children learn to handle more on their own. A transition takes place wherein we step back and maintain control over the temptation to become involved and say something. Before then it is reasonable to advocate for our children, when truly necessary, but also within reason. Then we have to let it go and move on.

 

At age 11, however, having an ADULT behave this way is unacceptable. I can see where it would be reasonable to expect one's child to handle things if it were another child, but an adult deliberately harrassing and intimidating a child is wholly unacceptable. This would most definitely be a time to advocate for one's child, rather than expecting that child to handle things on her own.

 

When she gets to the RAD, things will be different in that she will be expected to be more resilient towards adults and other pupils. Hopefully, however, the teachers there will be wanting what's best for every student rather than deliberately intimidating them into making mistakes.

[Guest tipo'thetoes]

At age 11, however, having an ADULT behave this way is unacceptable. I can see where it would be reasonable to expect one's child to handle things if it were another child, but an adult deliberately harrassing and intimidating a child is wholly unacceptable. This would most definitely be a time to advocate for one's child, rather than expecting that child to handle things on her own.

 

I feel inclined to agree with you on this as this is a woman abusing her position within the dance school. Children of 11 are taught not to challenge their teachers or associated staff and my daughter has been interpreting it as a reflection on herself (as this woman intended) and whilst it very much upset her, she did not have the judgement or experience to realise that this woman was abusing her authority. I had to explain to her that it is not acceptable for an adult to treat a child like that.