Advice for Transitioning Out

[Guest georgialw]

Please give advice on how I can best help my family and my 17 year old daughter deal with an unexpected lack of advancement at her ballet school. She has danced since she was 3 and been very dedicated. She attended a prestigious summer intensive last summer and mastered technique. She knows that she should have advanced last year based upon her abilities and growth as a dancer. She had a weight problem and a strength problem which prevented her from advancing last year. This year she addressed both problems successfully. However, because she was not given any opportunity to use the technique she mastered last summer, she has lost this entire year. And she became extremely unhappy and frustrated with the lack of opportunity to dance. She was given no real explanation for not advancing this year other than "you must be the whole package". She is refusing to return to the studio at this time, and I can find no fault with her logic. If she stays, she would be in the same level for three years. She feels she has been treated quite unfairly. At the same time, I know she loves to dance. She is a top student and sings and acts when she has had a little time. How do I best help her transition and get closure?

[Clara 76]

Is there any way to try a different studio? I say this because I would hate to see her develop a hatred of ballet because of some individuals she has encountered. Perhaps even focusing on a different genre of dance, like modern, jazz, or ballroom would help.

 

I honestly believe that "once a dancer, always a dancer" regardless of whether it turns into a career choice or not.

 

I don't have any ideas at this moment as to how to transition completely out at the moment. Perhaps others will have better advice.

[msd]

I agree with Clara76 -- the studio might not be the right place, but that doesn't mean that dancing isn't right for your daughter. My kiddo is working through a big change of her own -- she is considering a move from strict classical ballet to more of a musical theatre focus. She can't get what she needs at the current school (no time to be a full-time student AND do the voice and acting that she needs). She's planning to move to another program in our city, where she can still take ballet, but also do the voice and acting she craves. It's been a killer transition for her -- she's been in the "will be a dancer...or bust" mold for years... She's finishing up her summer intensive now, where she's had a great time. But reality is that she most likely will not be returning to the same ballet school in the fall. She's started to tell a few friends...and the reaction has been shock. (Then again, she did invite these friends to see her in the high school musical...and after the stunned silence when she told them, they do understand...sort of.)

 

We are planning a "hello/goodbye" party for her, once she makes the transition -- having the "old" ballet school buddies over, hopefully asking some of the new friends from the musical theatre/ballet school to attend. I've also told her that she needs to meet w/the director of the old school once she's made up her mind, to let him know where she's going and why.

 

You mentioned that your daughter also enjoys singing and acting. Maybe she could channel her interests into drama at school or the community. I do believe that there is a place for her to dance. What does she want to do "when she grows up"? She might be re-assessing her future, her plans, her needs and strengths. Maybe she needs to take a break from dance...and that's okay, too...but make sure she knows that dancing does NOT equal "only at the studio that's not the right fit anymore". Best of luck as she works to figure out what is the best path for you. And you? Prepare to listen...

[hushinfazen]

Such difficult decisions.

 

It does seem that many kids who choose a different path other then dance lean towards college and even some are pursuing Musical Theater or just straight Theater, I guess performing is just in their blood.

 

For those soon to be college searching kids, I would suggest college confidential and go to their Musical Theater thread (I hope it's ok that I mentioned this site). The information exchange is invaluable to those families needing information and direction on how best to proceed. It's a little over whelming but I can offer a few suggestions as we just went through it with great results. Just pm me

 

 

Hushinfazen

[Treefrog]

She had a weight problem and a strength problem which prevented her from advancing last year.

 

I agree with others -- if she wants to dance, find a new studio, one that values dancing over one that rewards body type.

 

On the other hand: she may be quite reasonably seeing the writing on the wall and deciding to walk away. Often, parents take these decisions a lot harder than the kids do. It seems incomprehensible that a person could put so much time and effort and dedication into something, and then give it up. But the experience in our family, at about the same age, was that my daughter wanted to move on to a new kind of engagement with dance. She transitioned from a girl who obediently went to all her classes and was training for some elusive future to a young woman who dances for her own pleasure and education.

 

So, the first question I'd examine is who it is who needs help transitioning: your daughter, or you and others in the family? If your daughter, then I'd advocate listening with a sympathetic ear while she rants about the unfairness of it all, then wait for time to heal the wounds, while possibly mentioning gently that now she has the opportunity to dance for herself and not to compete against others. If if is you, find a good friend who will listen with a sympathetic ear while you rant about the unfairness of it all, then wait for time to heal your wounds, while trying to keep in perspective that your daughter is now free to dance for herself and not as part of a competition with others.

[hushinfazen]

Such difficult decisions, but for some transitioning is the new reality.

 

It does seem that many kids who choose a different path other then dance lean towards college and some are pursuing Musical Theater or just straight Theater. I guess performing is just in their blood. For my dd it's not that she didn't love ballet or wanted to quit dance, it was more that she also wanted to dance, act and sing.

 

If any of you watched Legally Blond the reality show which was about casting the new Elle Woods for Broadway, you saw a dancer win out over a better singer!

 

For those soon to be college searching kids, I would suggest college confidential (www.collegeconfidential.com) and go to their Musical Theater thread (I hope it's ok that I mentioned this site). The information exchange is invaluable to those families needing information and direction on how best to proceed. It's a little over whelming but I can offer a few suggestions as we just went through it with great results. Just pm me

 

 

Hushinfazen

[Guest georgialw]

Is there any way to try a different studio? I say this because I would hate to see her develop a hatred of ballet because of some individuals she has encountered. Perhaps even focusing on a different genre of dance, like modern, jazz, or ballroom would help.

 

I honestly believe that "once a dancer, always a dancer" regardless of whether it turns into a career choice or not.

 

I don't have any ideas at this moment as to how to transition completely out at the moment. Perhaps others will have better advice.

 

There are some different studios, but not of the same overall quality. She will always love ballet, but feels that the studio placed her in a position which exacerbated her problems and caused her to lose ground instead of creating any chance for her growth. I think that her analysis is absolutely correcgt. And there is a distinct overall morale problem at the school which has been noted by students and parent the past two years. If we can figure out some way to keep her technique up over the course of the next year, she will have many more options when she graduates from high school in June.

 

I agree with Clara76 -- the studio might not be the right place, but that doesn't mean that dancing isn't right for your daughter. My kiddo is working through a big change of her own -- she is considering a move from strict classical ballet to more of a musical theatre focus. She can't get what she needs at the current school (no time to be a full-time student AND do the voice and acting that she needs). She's planning to move to another program in our city, where she can still take ballet, but also do the voice and acting she craves. It's been a killer transition for her -- she's been in the "will be a dancer...or bust" mold for years... She's finishing up her summer intensive now, where she's had a great time. But reality is that she most likely will not be returning to the same ballet school in the fall. She's started to tell a few friends...and the reaction has been shock. (Then again, she did invite these friends to see her in the high school musical...and after the stunned silence when she told them, they do understand...sort of.)

 

We are planning a "hello/goodbye" party for her, once she makes the transition -- having the "old" ballet school buddies over, hopefully asking some of the new friends from the musical theatre/ballet school to attend. I've also told her that she needs to meet w/the director of the old school once she's made up her mind, to let him know where she's going and why.

 

You mentioned that your daughter also enjoys singing and acting. Maybe she could channel her interests into drama at school or the community. I do believe that there is a place for her to dance. What does she want to do "when she grows up"? She might be re-assessing her future, her plans, her needs and strengths. Maybe she needs to take a break from dance...and that's okay, too...but make sure she knows that dancing does NOT equal "only at the studio that's not the right fit anymore". Best of luck as she works to figure out what is the best path for you. And you? Prepare to listen...

 

She is planning to do exactly what you suggest by channeling into drama, and I am encouraging her. It sounds like our daughters are very similar, and that you are in an area that offers more options! Thanks for the reassurance that she will be able to continue dancing.

 

Such difficult decisions.

 

It does seem that many kids who choose a different path other then dance lean towards college and even some are pursuing Musical Theater or just straight Theater, I guess performing is just in their blood.

 

For those soon to be college searching kids, I would suggest college confidential and go to their Musical Theater thread (I hope it's ok that I mentioned this site). The information exchange is invaluable to those families needing information and direction on how best to proceed. It's a little over whelming but I can offer a few suggestions as we just went through it with great results. Just pm me

 

 

Hushinfazen

 

Thanks so much for the tip. She is also in the college search mode, so it is a very valuable bit of information. I would like to hear your suggestions, but unfortunately I'm not able to pm. In fourteen years of dancing, this is the first major bump we have hit!

 

She had a weight problem and a strength problem which prevented her from advancing last year.

 

I agree with others -- if she wants to dance, find a new studio, one that values dancing over one that rewards body type.

 

On the other hand: she may be quite reasonably seeing the writing on the wall and deciding to walk away. Often, parents take these decisions a lot harder than the kids do. It seems incomprehensible that a person could put so much time and effort and dedication into something, and then give it up. But the experience in our family, at about the same age, was that my daughter wanted to move on to a new kind of engagement with dance. She transitioned from a girl who obediently went to all her classes and was training for some elusive future to a young woman who dances for her own pleasure and education.

 

So, the first question I'd examine is who it is who needs help transitioning: your daughter, or you and others in the family? If your daughter, then I'd advocate listening with a sympathetic ear while she rants about the unfairness of it all, then wait for time to heal the wounds, while possibly mentioning gently that now she has the opportunity to dance for herself and not to compete against others. If if is you, find a good friend who will listen with a sympathetic ear while you rant about the unfairness of it all, then wait for time to heal your wounds, while trying to keep in perspective that your daughter is now free to dance for herself and not as part of a competition with others.

 

 

She had a weight problem and a strength problem which prevented her from advancing last year.

 

I agree with others -- if she wants to dance, find a new studio, one that values dancing over one that rewards body type.

 

On the other hand: she may be quite reasonably seeing the writing on the wall and deciding to walk away. Often, parents take these decisions a lot harder than the kids do. It seems incomprehensible that a person could put so much time and effort and dedication into something, and then give it up. But the experience in our family, at about the same age, was that my daughter wanted to move on to a new kind of engagement with dance. She transitioned from a girl who obediently went to all her classes and was training for some elusive future to a young woman who dances for her own pleasure and education.

 

So, the first question I'd examine is who it is who needs help transitioning: your daughter, or you and others in the family? If your daughter, then I'd advocate listening with a sympathetic ear while she rants about the unfairness of it all, then wait for time to heal the wounds, while possibly mentioning gently that now she has the opportunity to dance for herself and not to compete against others. If if is you, find a good friend who will listen with a sympathetic ear while you rant about the unfairness of it all, then wait for time to heal your wounds, while trying to keep in perspective that your daughter is now free to dance for herself and not as part of a competition with others.

 

You have given me a lot to think about and your advice to give time to the unfairness issue is very helpful. Thank you. I think she has been coming to her own decision over the course of the past year; but it is not a firm decision yet. But it is very close. Her options are limited in our geographic area until she graduates in June from high school. I've been encouraging her since spring to explore other options, but she has not yet followed through, largely due to time constraints. Perhaps we are only part way through the process at this point. Thank you.

[msd]

Perhaps we are only part way through the process at this point.

 

I don't think one is ever fully "set" with a performance-minded kid (or any teen, for that matter!) in the house. Best to you in this time of uncertainty. (Kiddo was in a similar struggle last fall.) It WILL work out.

[Clara 76]

"Love the art form- just not the people behind it sometimes" might be a good mantra for her. It might be worth checking out those other studios, even if just for a placement class or 2. Good luck to you.

[Guest georgialw]

She had a weight problem and a strength problem which prevented her from advancing last year.

 

I agree with others -- if she wants to dance, find a new studio, one that values dancing over one that rewards body type.

 

On the other hand: she may be quite reasonably seeing the writing on the wall and deciding to walk away. Often, parents take these decisions a lot harder than the kids do. It seems incomprehensible that a person could put so much time and effort and dedication into something, and then give it up. But the experience in our family, at about the same age, was that my daughter wanted to move on to a new kind of engagement with dance. She transitioned from a girl who obediently went to all her classes and was training for some elusive future to a young woman who dances for her own pleasure and education.

 

So, the first question I'd examine is who it is who needs help transitioning: your daughter, or you and others in the family? If your daughter, then I'd advocate listening with a sympathetic ear while she rants about the unfairness of it all, then wait for time to heal the wounds, while possibly mentioning gently that now she has the opportunity to dance for herself and not to compete against others. If if is you, find a good friend who will listen with a sympathetic ear while you rant about the unfairness of it all, then wait for time to heal your wounds, while trying to keep in perspective that your daughter is now free to dance for herself and not as part of a competition with others.

You are quite perceptive. I seem to be having a harder time than she is. The disappointment happened Wednesday and by yesterday, she had a complete plan for moving ahead in place. Then we "by chance" ran into her favorite instructor who told her that all the teachers at the studio think she is a beautiful dancer with perfect lines. The instructor gave my daughter wonderful advice, support and direction. Now my daughter has decided to take a break, do drop-in classes at another excellent studio and concentrate on having fun and new experiences with dance this year. Meanwhile, I keep feeling that the rug was pulled out from underneath me! But, because my daughter is happy, I'm much better, although I know that the coming process of change will have ups and downs. Thanks for your insight. I will keep everyone posted with any new developments.

[dancemaven]

georgialw, I think under the circumstances, it is a good thing for your DD to take classes at another studio and re-assess how she feels about dance. It is one thing for the kiddoes to 'walk away' from dance because they are ready to and do so on their own terms; it is quite another for them to feel 'shut out' and leave discouraged.

 

My own DD found herself in a very unhealthy (both mentally and physically) situation last fall. Within the space of about two weeks, she was deeply demoralized and discouraged. By the time we were able to actually extricate her from the situation (another two weeks or so), her dancing spirit had been broken and she believed she would never want to dance again. The destruction of a joy and passion that had only grown since she was 3 years old seemed very deep and complete. Honestly, I had never seen my DD in such a broken, scared, and vulnerable. When I rendezvoused with her in other city, I was shocked at her state of mind and demeanor. This was a shadow of my child.

 

At her request, we had agreed to move her cross-country to another program. We started those plans in motion after the first two weeks; but by the end of the second two-weeks when we were actually able to remove her from the first program, she didn't think she would ever regain her passion. Her father and I were willing to move her so that she could decide on her own terms whether she was ready to walk away or not. We wanted to give her the chance to make that decision for herself, based upon her own feelings, and not upon the feelings a school director had created in her.

 

The new program was a perfect fit. It took awhile for her to heal, but heal she did. She has learned many things along the way and I believe she is an even stronger individual than before. There is, however, a naive joy of dance that she will never regain. She has regain joy in dancing, but she will never again have that innocence or belief in dance that she held prior to this experience. She has stood in the face and jaws of the ugly beast of ballet and, luckily, was able to stare it down to dance another day.

 

Let your daughter try the new studio. Let her explore different studios and different disciplines. Assure her that it is her decision to 'walk away' when and if she wants to or to re-engage in dance, if she so desires. Just encourage her to make sure it is her decision and on her own terms when she does so.

[3girls1boy]

I wasn't sure where to put my question -- and since it's related to transitioning out, I thought this might be as good a spot as any.

 

DD has decided not to return to the pre-pro program at her current school. At first she thought she wanted to quit ballet completely, but after a few weeks off following SI, she reconsidered. We found a program at another school that will allow her to cut her days in class down by 1 and give her time to stay after school for activities, but she'll still be getting very good training. To us it feels like the perfect fit for where she is in life right now. Here's my question: Do we send a note to the school notifying them she will not be returning and explaining her reasons? I'm thinking of something similar to the 'thanks, but no thanks' letter you would send an SI that accepted you. Is a letter the appropriate thing to do?

[ceecee]

I don't really know what the protocol is in this situation, but I would probably opt to speak with someone in person. I think sending a note to an SI is fine, because in most cases you don't really have a relationship with them. Your home school seems different to me. It seems like you should do something more "personal" because they know your DD more "personally". But as I said... I don't really know.

 

Best,

 

CC

[3girls1boy]

Thanks for the input to those who answered here and by PM. I went ahead and wrote a short letter explaining my DD's reasons for leaving and complimenting the directors on the exceptional program they have.

 

Thanks!