Tears - is it a big taboo in "ballet etiquette"?

[airchild]

Hi guys,

 

Today I had a really terrible time at ballet class. The teacher taught us a new allegro variation, ending with a sissone en avant and changement. Having never learned sissone properly, I ended up having the wrong arm movements and wrong placement/weight transfer. Plus, I was wearing my new soft block shoes that were very loud (and making my uninitiated feet very tired), making a noise when I landed, causing the teacher to frown on me. She made me do it over and over again in front of the class but I still didn't "get it". Plus I was getting really tired and could not go on. The last few times the teacher looked more and more irritated so I had an urge to cry but held back the tears. When I was done I rushed to the back of the studio and took out my towel to wipe my tears, and calmed down for a few seconds. I also had an urge to storm out of the classroom but decided to finish the center exercises, which I did. Then I went out and lied on the floor to cool down (I have a special exercise to realign all the load joints of the body, and this requires lying down on the floor with the calves and thighs at 90 degrees). During this time, I burst out in tears but covered my face with my arm to hide it from the others.

 

Anyway, I called the teacher after class to discuss how I felt "hurt" and "humiliated" by her picking me out in front of the class the whole time today. I also told her I felt humiliated when the other ladies laughed at me when she picked on my faults. But she thought that I was blaming others for my own problems. She said she got "signals" from me that I was really serious about improving my techniques, that's why she had been correcting me more than the others. Well, to this I replied, "Don't get me wrong. I really appreciate your corrections. In fact, in the past I have always taken them quite well and made improvements based on them. But today I just couldn't take it coz I felt it went over the limits." I don't think she truly understood what I meant by my "limits".

 

She pointed out to me how I made the others "scared" because of my "behavior" (meaning, crying and lying in the corridor "blocking the way and being so mad", etc.). She told me that of all her years of teaching she had never seen an adult "do such a thing" like I did; only among teenagers.

 

I felt I was wronged by her assessment that I was "mad" because I did not burst into tears in front of the class nor did I storm out of the studio. I cried quietly in the back of the room and outside the studio. Is there anything WRONG with that? Is it an unacceptable "ballet etiquette"? How I felt -- to me -- was a totally natural emotion and why was I chastised for it? The teacher asked me to "put on a smile" in class next time so the other students would not be "scared of me".

 

I know that in ballet, one is "supposed" to look pleasant and not tense even if one feels physical strain. However, I am still in the process of learning how to do that! My face just naturally tenses up when I find a movement difficult to execute, or when I am concentrating. And today, I was at the verge of total frustration and reaching my physical limits, hence the crying.

 

I'd like to know if any of you ever experienced anything like that? I feel so alone in this. On one hand I understand that one is supposed to bite your lips and "get on with it" in ballet. But at the same time I am an adult and I pay for the classes. So am I that WRONG to express how I feel to the teacher?

[Kitri]

You are not alone .

 

I have experienced feelings like you discribed very often in my dancing life, also now as an adult. Sometimes you try and try so hard, because you want to improve your technique ... but there where days, when I got the feeling, that I´m the only one in my class, who can´t do it, though I put all my energy in trying it. And when I´m frustrated, tired and powered out of energy, than everything bursts out of me.. though I also hide in front of the others (I have classes with teens). And I don´t think that this is childish.

 

I hope you understand what I mean, because my english is not the best.

 

I think that I´m really lucky to have a teacher, who understands these feelings, but she always tells me, that´s me, who wants to much in to short time, and that I´m sometimes to hard with myself.

[airchild]

Kitri,

 

Thanks so much for sharing. I understood you perfectly!

 

My teacher said exactly the same to me as what your teacher told you, that it was me who was trying to accomplish too much in too short a time. I admit that this is usually the case.

 

But I can tell you this: Today, I definitely felt the teacher send out the message that she wanted me to execute the movement perfectly in a short time. Perhaps I interpreted her look of irritation wrong. I took it as her impatience that it took me so long to learn the movement and still couldn't "get it."

 

Apparently my "body language" that "I was already trying my best and couldn't do it any better" didn't get across to her. When I mentioned this to the teacher, she said that I should've asked her verbally how to do it right. This thought never came across my mind because I was too caught up in the thoughts of failure and exhaustion already.

[Kitri]

It's the same for me. I also should try to ask more verbally. And often I talk to my teacher after lesson about technically things, which I think I did wrong, or just could do better, than I did. This really helps, because I'm working very much at home for my own, and don't want to learn things wrong...

 

But I think in this situation of exhaustion an struggling to get it and do it right, it doesn't get in my mind anymore, that it would be better to ask her to explain it to me again, or in another way she did before. Sometimes I have the feeling I couldn't control my emotions anymore.. a have to work on this.

[Claude_Catastrophique]

It is always a difficult situation if someone is crying: For the one who is crying and also for the others who do not know how to react.

I think in your situation the teacher should have been a bit more sensitive and should have recognized your "signs" that it is too much.

When I had my SI this year my teacher recommended me to take the highest level (which I did) and it was very difficult for me. I felt like running out and crying even before center started but I decided to stay, hold my tears back and talk to the teacher afterwards. Thank God that lady was so sensitive, saw that it was too much for me and let me do my things in the last row.

You see, someone else here who has experienced a similar situation (with the difference that the teacher supported me by letting me alone and being very encouraging after the class).

 

I also don't think that it is wrong to tell your teacher that you feel or felt bad in her class. In my SI I went after class to talk with her and she was very nice, not putting me down but recommending me to take the lower level with her (which I did and there she was very helpful and I learnt a lot about technique). When I had my second class (also in the highest level) I knew that I would be so confused that I just HAVE to mess up. So I went to the teacher before class even started and told her about the other class (different teachers). She was very nice and asked me to stay in that class after having me seen dance. So happy end for me here.

 

I don't know if it is any good to talk to your teacher again. Obviously she doesn't get your point and I don't know if she really wants to change her opinion. You could just try if the next time happens such a thing to bring your point across in the way she wanted. Just that you don't feel so bad again.

[airchild]

My teacher suggested that I take a lower level class with her, which is offered once a week. But I am out of options for the second class of the week, because there is no more beginners' level class. So I still have to go back to the same class. Actually, I was under the impression that the class I have been taking is for people of all levels because I have seen beginners there too. However, I was told today that 80% of them have studied with the same teacher for at least 5 years! No wonder I felt it was a bit too much at times! I had no idea it was that advanced. When I first started, the teacher did not have any qualms about me joining that class.

 

She also told me to wear soft slippers instead of my soft blocks (demi-pointe shoes) in the future. I actually asked her before if I could wear them to class and she didn't say no. I wish she had told me earlier that it's not time yet for me to add an extra challenge to my lessons. Now I have wasted all that money on a pair of demi-pointe shoes I can't wear.

 

Anyway, yes, I wish she was a bit more sensitive. She told me the way she teaches is how she has always been teaching. She asked me if I want anything to be different in the future. Because I was more afraid that she would stop giving me corrections, so I just told her "Let everything stay the same way."

[ami1436]

Oh dear, BIG HUGS. I think there are a great many more of us who have somehow ended up in tears at some point over classes/rehearsals... and that might happen in class, in the dressing room, on the way home, at home, 3 days later, whatever.

 

I think the first thing to recognize are that often, these are tears of frustration. We *want* to be the best possible, and the stumbles and obstacles and trips and delays are all extremely frustrating.

 

Second, that there are different ways to approach these hurdles -- it sounds like your teacher is of the 'pound at it fiercely and watch the wall crumble' variety. It may just help to create your own metaphor for your teacher's approach, so you can remind yourself and maybe inspire yourself.

 

I wish your teacher had found some way to relate to you in a more positive manner her hopes for you and why she is pushing. It sounds like she said that she was pushing you because she thought that's what you wanted and you could do it, but it sounds like that the manner she used and the conversation after was more frustrating to you than anything else.

 

If at any point you feel that whatever is happening is a MAJOR blow to your own well-being, then you need to rethink the class... but for now it sounds like it might be worth another few shots?

 

So... I'd say get the frustration out, go for a lovely walk (or have some wine with friends... ;) ) and let yourself breathe... figure out a way to interpret the challenges that inspire you instead of frustrate you, and go back at things with renewed commitment. I know this is all easier said than done... but ballet is like all things in life.... when the going gets tough, the tough keep going!

 

Best wishes! And do take care of yourself this weekend!

[jane s]

I really feel for you - this seems to have been one huge misunderstanding! And I have major problems with sissonnes myself, co I can totally relate.

 

One thing that occurred to me was that your teacher probably had no idea, at the time, that you had never even learned how to do a sissonne properly before. So she would have approached your corrections from the point of view that you would understand what she meant, when of course you actually needed to be shown at a far more basic level. That could be what she meant by saying you should have asked her verbally, i.e. "I'm really sorry, but I haven't actually learnt this step before. Please could you explain what I am meant to do?"

 

The other point is that there is absolutely no way you could have succeeded in this situation - new step, new soft-blocks that it's hard to even walk, let alone dance in...... so don't beat yourself up!!!!

 

OK, so she wants you to take an easier class. Surely she means "as well as", not "instead of" - i.e. take the easier class & keep one of the harder ones for your 2nd class. You've been doing fine until now, after all. And if you're now telling her you don't know the steps, her natural reaction would be to refer you to a class in which you could learn them, surely? Sounds like she is trying to help.

 

I have recently gone back to a much easier class when I joined my new studio, and it has helped me so much in picking up technique that I seem to have "missed" first time around (because I never got corrected at my old studio).

 

As for the crying - personally I wouldn't have even waited until I walked out, I'd have let her see how upset I was getting, not tried to hide it. Maybe it's actually the "lying on your back in the corridor outside the studio" thing that scares people? Especially if you're the only person that does it. Maybe there is a more appropriate place that you could do this?

[airchild]

I know this is all easier said than done... but ballet is like all things in life.... when the going gets tough, the tough keep going!

Ami,

Thanks for your comforting words and hugs - just what I need!

I think that adding to my challenges in ballet is the necessity to toughen up and become more "thick-faced"!

I am rethinking my situation with the class. However, since I have paid tuition until the end of the season (end of the year) -- and now being unemployed -- I cannot afford to quit the school and switch to another.

[airchild]

I really feel for you - this seems to have been one huge misunderstanding! And I have major problems with sissonnes myself, co I can totally relate.

 

One thing that occurred to me was that your teacher probably had no idea, at the time, that you had never even learned how to do a sissonne properly before. So she would have approached your corrections from the point of view that you would understand what she meant, when of course you actually needed to be shown at a far more basic level. That could be what she meant by saying you should have asked her verbally, i.e. "I'm really sorry, but I haven't actually learnt this step before. Please could you explain what I am meant to do?"

 

Thanks for your understanding, Jane. Yes, I should've explained to the teacher right there and then that I had not learned this step before and requested a proper step-by-step instruction.

 

As for the crying - personally I wouldn't have even waited until I walked out, I'd have let her see how upset I was getting, not tried to hide it. Maybe it's actually the "lying on your back in the corridor outside the studio" thing that scares people? Especially if you're the only person that does it. Maybe there is a more appropriate place that you could do this?

 

Perhaps. I will try to find another place to do this if it would cause misunderstanding. However, I had done that before, after every lesson, and the teacher would've noticed that it was my routine.

[lampwick]

I used to get extremely over-emotional in class on a regular basis. Crying, tempermental, frustrated, etc...I was taking 10 classes a week, working a full time job, and had recently gone through a painful relationship breakup.

 

I realize now it had more to do with being just plain WAY overworked. Also, my teachers were unable to get me to really understand how to work in class. or else, I was not capable of being receptive to it at the time.

 

It was quite a journey and took several years, but I can confidently say that I truly enjoy class now, and am happy and productive. I think it shows too:) I take care to observe dancers in class who project joy, and try to not let negative energy influence me.

 

If a teacher gets a bit over the top, they'll mellow out if you calmly give the correction a shot. Even if it doesn't quite sink in, you can always laugh at yourself, give a quick nod to the teacher that you acknowledge the correction, will work on it, but that you're finished. No one can force you to do something over and over if it's making you uncomfortable. That's the bonus of being a grownup:)

[airchild]

Lampwick,

Thanks for sharing your experience. You have come a long way.

My journey has just started

I will learn to laugh at myself and communicate verbally with the teacher when I feel I can't do it anymore.

[eunheejun]

Cheer up! Chin up, Airchild! I laugh at myself all the time--that certainly helps.

 

Also if this ever helps, remember that we are not learning ballet to audition for ABT. We are doing it for our mental and physical health and enjoyment, right? Hope you have happier future classes.

 

Hugs,

 

Eun Hee

[Tiffany]

I have finished class at least twice with tears in my eyes & cried in the dressing room. One time, a new teacher was really pushing me and I couldn't understand his correction & couldn't get it & got frustrated. The second time I danced too much that day-not too much for a professional but too much for me-and I was just overly tired; I had a private rehearsal with that same teacher and I once again was not getting his corrections. He is a wonderful teacher but he can be hard to understand and he is very demanding. But, when I was crying in the dressing room, he came & found me, and talked to me about what was going on, and told me he was not frustrated with me, that he wanted me to be the best I could be, and that he pushed me because he knew that I could do it.

 

Anyway you're in good company; I'm sure most of us have shared your thoughts (re: a correction you can't get) at one time or another.

[airchild]

Eun Hee,

 

Thanks for your encouragement! Yes, I do take ballet classes for enjoyment and self-fulfillment.

 

Tiffany,

 

Your teacher is pretty similar to mine. I sometimes have difficulty understanding her when it comes to a new movement. But otherwise she is a good instructor.

 

... he wanted me to be the best I could be, and that he pushed me because he knew that I could do it.

 

This was exactly what my teacher told me when I talked to her after the incident. In fact, she was not the first teacher who told me that. The funny thing is, my perception of what I can do seems to be so far from what the teachers think I can do I wonder if there exists a more creative method of teaching than "pushing" though. I'm not receptive when I feel being pushed. It might work with some people but definitely not me. Perhaps the use of imagery in teaching would help. Does anyone have any experience with a teacher who uses this?