Home studio situations and on-line 'stalking'

[LauraR]

[This discussion was split off from a discussion begun in the SI Frequently Asked Questions Forum[/]: SI Reviews and the Question of Fear ]

 

 

There are various reasons....let's say someone's dd is attending home studio for SI. Yes, there are plenty of opportunities for repercusion at that point. If another parent reognizes the poster and interprets the review as "complainy" and spreads gossip at the home studio. I do not write overly emotional reviews either. DD had past experience with a teacher who played favorites and pushed some to attend top tier SI's. That teacher is heavily connected to a particular SI. If dd happened to attend that SI and I spoke negatively about the experience, I would have expected some consequence if even on a subconscience level. That conclusion is based on years of observing that teacher around the studio and seeing a conversation on this board.

 

For the most part, everyone who posts on this board engages in rational discussion. We agree to disagree and conduct ourselves with those Victoria tea party manners. But not every ballet studio is like this. Each has its own flavor and I think they take on the personality of the school faculty. Our studio is large and is pretty typical. Most people are just supportive, but we have our intense parents, and some toxic ones. Another studio is a bit more toxic than I would care for.

 

I'm not paranoid and I don't fear repurcussion from AD's down the road. I think I fear the parents more. My dd was the victim of the mean girl crap last year. She turned down a few big name SI's (with my prodding) to attend a small SI. The mean girls gave her a lot of flack about attending an SI that wasn't "very good". I had parents asking me where she was attending, etc. Unfortunately, the moms are involved in the mean girl business as well. I guess I don't want to give them any more ammunition than necessary.

[Guest coupe66]

I'm not paranoid and I don't fear repurcussion from AD's down the road. I think I fear the parents more. My dd was the victim of the mean girl crap last year.

 

LauraR,

 

I hear you here, as well. We actually (if you can believe it!) had two "stage mom" types track our family down online when we had a recent (local) move. I found out about it when the studio manager told me that the two women were spreading gossip about us, that we were leaving the studio, etc. *(which, by the way, we NO had intention of doing). For the record, we had told NO ONE about the move - they tracked us completely ONLINE, two adult women. The dd's of these women were later implicated in bullying my dd and another girl. Hey, it's a crazy world. I would never have thought some of the things I have experienced or seen others experience could really exist in the adult world, but they do. And while I really don't like it, it makes me think twice before I open up my mouth. I'm glad for those of you who can throw caution to the wind, I really am. But I have seen and experienced too much to allow myself to do that.

 

 

 

*Edited to read NO intention. Sorry for any confusion!

[Mel Johnson]

So much of life depends on persons of good will acting in ways that are not intentionally harmful to other members of society. It doesn't take many bad apples to spoil a whole barrel. What you just described is stalking, and perhaps to a degree illegal in your local jurisdiction. The studio management should be taking action to squash gossip and bullying, or they become a party in potential civil action. With stalking, the police and the District Attorney are your friends.

[Guest coupe66]

Mr. Johnson, I could not agree with you more. The studio manager even described it to me just that way when she filled me in on what was going on - "it was as if they (the two moms) were stalking your family". Unfortunately, getting this same studio manager to actively confront these women in their actions was/is another matter.

[Mel Johnson]

Potentially, her loss.

[vagansmom]

Re online post stalking: Anyone who posts online a lot and especially anyone who posts honestly even when it goes against the tide risks backlash. Over the many years that I've posted about our family's life in the dance world, I have had a "gremlin" or two follow my posts for a period of time (happily, most eventually fade away) with barely concealed (and sometimes brazenly) negative responses to what I've said.

 

One was downright "in your face" accusatory on more than one occasion. It was especially tough for me because I had "primary source" info that proved the person was lying in a baldfaced fashion online. It wasn't a matter of opinion or perspective. There was documentation: Sometimes a lie is just a lie. And sometimes people set out to wreck a good reputation after something doesn't go well for them. It's hard but necessary to remain silent online publicly in those instances even when one has the ability to expose the lie. It went on for a while in the posting record and was truly upsetting. At one point, I, along with others, considered legal action.

 

Another time, a poster on another website as well as this one who strongly disagreed with my political beliefs (discovered in person, not online!) set out to criticize every single post I made on both sites! And follow it up with one email after another - yikes! That occurred off and on for many years, but that individual always ended up banned for various periods of time. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who was on the receiving end.

 

So yeah, there is a certain kind of online post stalking that's frustrating and sometimes downright invasive.

[swanchat]

We've experienced both in house stalking and stranger stalking. As I write about the incidences, I almost have to laugh at the ridiculous nature of some of them but others were quite scary.

 

The in-house stalking was from a very aggressive mom who watched everything dd was doing and made sure her dd was doing the same thing. This happened during dd's young years and continued until dd left the country to go to a residential program. If this aggressive mom could have arranged for her dd to be admitted to that program, I'm sure we would never have been rid of her. We never talked; her aggressive behavior is just not my cup of tea. Most of the stuff was just silly. When dd was asked to represent the school, the mom would donate money and her dd was then asked to do the same thing. When dd got a new dance bag, her dd went out and got a bag from the same manufacturer. When dd changed pointe shoes, her dd went out and got the same pointe shoes. You get the picture.... It was all just annoying until one night when there was an incident driving home and a car began tailgating and exhibiting road rage type behaviors. I didn't even realize it was the mom until I maneuvered into another lane and she pulled up beside me. It was truly scary. I reported the incident in writing to the school. In hindsight, I should have called the police. I was stunned. I was prepared to call the police if it ever happened again but made sure that we hesitated enough not to be leaving the parking lot at the same time ever again.

 

When dd left our local school and went to a residential program abroad, she was warned by the school not to wear any clothing that would identify her as a student of the school. There had been problems with stalking in the past and there was a stalker who would hang about the door to the school in the late afternoon and follow students if they weren't careful. The kids were advised to leave in groups and be aware of who might be following them. Even then, one student was followed into the grocery when she left the school and the stalker "chatted her up." He was very creepy. The girl told the grocery personnel and the creeper fled but it was scary.

 

As far as Facebook stalking.. it's a true conundrum. These kids use social media to stay in touch and to network and that's a good thing but there are bad apples out there who bully and stalk. DD has experienced that too. One of her former schoolmates threatened to use a "hammer and a shovel" and has repeatedly called dd "evil." DD never had any altercations with this girl although they were never friends and the bullying happened long after they were in school together. It seems that the girl had been stalking dd's Facebook and seen posts by a boy that the girl had dated but had moved to dd's school. (DD was not dating the boy although I think he would have liked to) DD blocked the girl and the people who were cyberbullying. Hopefully, out of sight, out of mind will work. Honestly, if dd were still in the same school, I would have reported the hammer and shovel post to the police. It was menacing. I've looked at dd's Facebook with her and we played a game. I told her to pick a "friend" and tell me how she knew them. Many were not personal friends but are in the larger ballet world circle and are probably legitimate but she doesn't know that for a fact. It's good to tell our kids to friend only the people they know personally but frankly, it's unrealistic too. I also pointed out how easy it would be for me to physically stalk some of her "friends" because of how careless they are with information like..."I'll meet you at the intersection of x and y at high noon" sort of posts. Hopefully it will make an impact....

[boxwoodgirl]

Swanchat, we experienced something similar to your "in-house" stalking situation. This was in the musical theatre world, prior to ballet becoming my daughter's primary interest. Interesting - the mother in question tried to have her daughter follow mine over to the ballet world, but she wasn't able to enter the level my daughter was in and so lost interest. It's absolutely unsettling to have someone with such an interest/obsession with your daughter's life. This mother dug up information on my daughter from online, acquaintances, etc. She learned about a job my daughter had through a web site and called the theater company to try and sabotage my daughter's role. She spread lies about my daughter wherever she could. I can't even express the relief I felt when she wasn't able to follow us over to ballet.

 

The good news is that I now have a nose for potentially toxic people. There is one at our studio, and I have rebuffed her wish to get closer to us because I have a strong sense that she is nastily competitive and overly-interested in my daughter's life. The bad news is that I am perhaps more wary than I need to be in general. Being stalked like this, though, is emotionally stressful - I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[J66B11J06]

I have seen this happen to many girls at "our" home studio and have been experiencing it with my DS for almost 2 years. I don't understand the behavior but clearly it isn't logical. We focus on keeping him safe and the studio is doing what they can. He is probably safest at the studio in class or in our home. Now we are dealing with the lies and rumors and cannot be around other families we thought were friends because they believe and spread the lies. We keep silent because we want to protect our son's privacy and maintain our integrity, but it is difficult when the environment is so toxic.