Tell child about scholarship?

[lacetree]

My daughter is on a merit scholarship at her ballet studio and her tuition is completely free. However, she doesn't know this; only the studio and we, her parents, know. I'm wondering if she should be told or not. We decided not to tell her orginally because we felt it shouldn't make any difference to her, and also we were concerned about it causing trouble amongst other students or parents. There is probably also an element of us not wishing to encourage her too much, knowing the tough realities of the ballet world, but we are happy to be supportive. She has been disapponted lately in not getting the roles she wanted in recital and I did feel inclined to tell her about her scholarship, but she's quite able to handle the knocks and carries on with enthusiasm and hard work, so we still haven't said anything. However, it's left me wondering if that's the right thing to do. I'd be grateful for any opinions!

[diane]

How old is your daughter?

 

That may - or may not - make a difference. (the need to fit in, etc.)

 

 

-d-

[lacetree]

Yes, I should have said. She's 14.

[Momof3darlings]

The things for you to consider are simply what benefit would be given by telling her now? Versus what problems might occur by telling her now since she hasn't known all along? If your reasoning for simply telling her is because she's having a rough patch right now in terms of how she feels about casting and such, I would probably just mention that her teachers believe in her and she should believe in herself. I would not use sharing the scholarship as a way to help her self-esteem for the moment since you've not shared it already.

[swanchat]

Does the studio have a confidentiality policy regarding scholarships? If so, it's probably easier that your daughter remains unaware. Of course, a confidentiality policy can backfire and the scholarships become the secret that everyone knows and the kids use it as power instead of the gift that it is. That's what dd saw at her first school. Dd was on scholarship during her last year at that school but all the other years, she was made aware by the other students that she hadn't been chosen for a scholarship. Our response was that she was on the parent scholarship and that if she was ever to receive an outside scholarship, she would not be allowed to talk about it. Once she started getting scholarships for SI and year round, there was a seemingly relentless quest by students and parents to see if she had one. It was annoying and inappropriate and put dd in the position of lying to deny what was true. Her teacher overheard this one day and told her just to tell them the truth. Once she did, the questions stopped but jealousy reared it's ugly head. When dd received her publicly awarded scholarship to her upper school training program, the intense curiosity from her peers and the parents wasnt there, although those who had jealousy issues remained nasty. At the upper school, almost every kid had some sort of assistance offered so it was a more level playing field and no one cared about that issue.

 

I agree with momof3 that telling her to boost self esteem probably wouldn't have a lasting effect and self esteem should come frome inside, not external factors. Since your dd doesn't know, she's not lying if anyone asks because she's blissfully unaware. The issue is really learning how to live in a world where you have little control about what you perform. Sometimes casting is good, sometimes it's disappointing. That's just the way it is. I would spend time helping your dd cope with that fact and help her learn to become resilient. She will need resiliency if she sticks with this!

[Guest coupe66]

Based on my personal experience with my own dk, if she hasn't known about it all this time, I would not tell her now. As Swanchat asked, does your studio keep scholarship information confidential? If they do, that is the most beneficial situation for you and your dk, and I would not do anything to compromise that. Should any other students (and yes, their parents) find out that a certain dancer is on scholarship, it can make life miserable for that dancer. And that kind of information travels through a studio fast. I really hate to say this, because a scholarship is a good thing, but you are doing your dancer a bigger favor by not telling her. If I had to do it over again, I would not have told my own dk.

[vagansmom]

I agree with the others: Don't tell her. While she might feel good about it momentarily, that knowledge will actually complicate rather than ease her life at the studio. I say this as mom to a now-grown daughter who received scholarships along the way and also as a studio owner who has given out scholarships.

[msd]

I was a music major many years ago. Visiting my mom recently, she shared that I was on a full scholarship for piano studies through high school. My parents chose not to tell me, and I am glad that was their decision, as it could have made things awkward with others at her studio, as well as our small community. My only regret is that that piano teacher passed away some years ago, and I never got to thank her for that gift...but she certainly was one of my biggest cheerleaders when I got that conservatory admission.

[diane]

yes, I also agree that at that young age, it is truly better for your DD to remain blissfully ignorant of the scholarship. There is much stress to conform and there could very well be jealousy and those things coming out if it be known. It would be very hard for her to keep it completely to herself, too.

 

She will get over the disappointment of not getting cast for things. You can help her with that.

Casting is never completely fair.

Neither is anything, but that is another story. ;)

 

-d-

[lacetree]

Thanks for these comments. I feel more confident now that leaving her in the dark is the best policy!

[dancemaven]

Oops! It appears someone (not a parent) wandered into the Parents' Forum by mistake and a post was removed.