Ignore issue and let dd handle or jump in?

[firedragon0800]

Dd brought to my attention this week, that a few younger girls in her ballet class "scoped" her typing in her Instagram password on her iPhone either between class or rehearsal and apparently "hacked" into her account later and took and posted some goofy pictures of themselves. Dd was annoyed, as she lost some followers which I guess is a big deal for her... It didn't seem to be too big of a deal to me except a friendly prank. Dd mentioned that she was shocked that someone would do this, but the girls in question are in 5th and 6th grade and dd is in 8th. She also told me she uses same password for all her social media and email... I suggested she should change her email, but she only changed her IG.

 

Apparently, these girls took it one step further a day later and then hacked into her email account, snapchat and attempted other sites. Dd was really upset and confronted them and was told by them it was her fault she used same password across all sites. She was flabbergasted as was I, as in her book, no one should be doing this as it is a federal offense, literally.

 

With the IG hack I was reluctant to get involved and just told her to tell them how she felt about their transgression, and if they didn't apologize just let them melt into the background. Change your password and move on...it's a learning lesson. But after the email, I was really mad. As my dd because of an ongoing court issue has a lot of correspondence with her lawyer, myself and her Mom. Very sensitive info and very very private! This was also after dd confronted them about how wrong initial IG hack was dead wrong.

 

Unfortunately a day after the email was discovered hacked by dd, I was having a problem with my phone and I used her phone for the day and I happened to see a text from one of the girls admitting to hacking snapchat, and that dd deserved what she got because her password was too easy and the same for all of her social media sites.

 

Believe me it took all the restraint in the world not to ask this girl to put her parents on the phone or at least tell her how big of a transgression she committed!

 

Initially my intent was to downplay this and not make a federal case, but this is day three/four no apologies and I don't think dd can navigate this on her own. So I am looking for some thoughts from other parents having dealt with this kind of issue. Option 1. Is to let her handle it, 2. Contact the parents or 3. Get the school involved which would be the equivalent of making a federal case out of this.

 

Dd wants me to neither option 2 or 3, but my fear this will just continue to spiral out of control...

 

I raised dd to be better than this and she is shocked one that it even happened, not once but three or more times and that these girls are unapologetic?

 

What would the BT4D do?

[kr12]

I would contact the parents.

 

ETA: Sorry, just realized this is 13+ parent forum, feel free to delete.

Edited May 4, 2014 by kr12

[Tarantella2000]

How about you consult 'code of conduct' for your (ballet) school.

 

Personally, I would deal with it swiftly, informing the school as well as the parents of these Dks as this is a major breach (cyber bullying) and should be handled with Zero Tolerance.

[firedragon0800]

Recently the school took a hard stance against bullying of any sort, and supposedly it was triggered by a series of bullying episodes last year. Parents in the upper levels were kind of surprised that it had reached a level where the school had to threaten a low tolerance to expulsion for dk's caught bullying, and that included me. I wasn't sure whether to characterize this series as instances as bullying, as the girls are younger than my dd, I chalked it up to poor judgement.

 

But I suppose I can't rule out bullying as dd is not confrontational, is sweet by nature and gets along with everyone, so I could see her perhaps being a target. At the same time she is awfully self-effacing I mean nothing really phases her, which when she did get upset I knew it was a really big deal. She still is pretty adamant on letting her handle it on her own...

 

I just have reservations and misgivings about all of the approaches...

[daisychain]

Ugh. What a hard thing. I think I would go to those in charge. I ran the scenario by my husband, and he said to call the police. I wouldn't do that, but I would notify the school. I don't think I would contact the parents personally (do you even have their contact info?). I realize your daughter will probably feel uncomfortable with this and may even be mad at you for intervening when she would prefer that you stay out of it. I think I would consider it a lesson to my daughter about the seriousness of the situation. Even if it is youthful hijinks instead of bullying, the perpetrators need to learn that it is entirely unacceptable and that actions have consequences. Sometimes it's hard to take a stand. If you think of it as a chance for everyone involved to learn a valuable lesson instead of thinking of it as a way to punish the wrongdoers, it might help take out a bit of the sting for you. Getting away with this will do no one any good. Facing the consequences is the beneficial thing for the younger girls even if it doesn't seem like it to them.

 

I'll also just add that DD was the target of a nasty note bully a few years back. Her teachers informed me that they had spoken to the student and to her parents and that she had been given a consequence. I didn't know if I should contact the other mother myself. I kind of felt that she should contact me to let me know that she had dealt with her daughter's behavior. She never did. I felt awkward whenever I saw her after that. I think it would have been better for the school to have a meeting with all parties present to work things out openly. I just thought I'd mention this since you wondered about talking to the parents. If the ballet school has an anti-bullying policy, hopefully they have a process to work through. Maybe you could suggest having a meeting with the parents and a school administrator?

[LovesLabor]

Yes, I agree that you should definitely not drop this. As a parent, I would want to know if my DK were engaged in this kind of behavior (even though I know some parents only want to know about the good stuff their kids are up to), and by telling the school, you may bring the moral and legal points behind all this to a wider audience. I guess another way to think about it is, would you want your own child to feel that they could get away with this kind of behavior completely unchecked? If it was money that had been stolen from a friend who had failed to properly secure their locker, would you even ask what to do? Perhaps it is a different kind of property, but the basic moral assumptions are the same, and in some cases the end results can be even more serious.

 

I wouldn't go in asking for blood, but for an opportunity to help these kids understand what they did, why it was wrong, and what kind of consequences they can expect if they stop listening to that little voice inside, and choose instead to go with middle school group think.

[mom2]

Have been mulling this one over.

 

Am thinking that it is something to be reported to the school admin. I would not suggest it be taken directly to the parents of the other students.

 

Am also sensitive to your daughter's feelings - but really this is a situation that the adults in charge need to know about. She wants to handle it herself, which is a mature approach, but really this is now beyond what an 8th grader should be problem solving independently.

 

Is there a secure place for electronic devices to be stored while dancers are in class? I could see that this might be a hardship for a dance school if there aren't enough lockers or other locked storage spots and of course they wouldn't have the man/person power to have an individual sit with devices while kids are in class...

[dancemaven]

DD had an incident like this when she was in middle school---which was back when the internet social media pages were just getting underway. One of her school class mates (an on-again-off-again friend) hacked her social media account, changed the password, and posted not nice things. This girl was a computer whiz and could do much more than others her age (most adults, for that matter). DD wanted to just let it slide, but I told her that if her friend could/would do that, then it was possible she could also get into our personal accounts and that could be dangerous. At the time, we only had a single home computer (almost dark ages, you know. ).

 

This was early in the game, so schools hadn't yet decided what they would/could do. Some took a totally hands-off approach saying such antics were not done on school property or with school computers, so there was nothing they could do. Luckily, our private school took a different view. I did report it to the Middle School Director, who in turn called the other girl's mom, whom I'd never met or even seen. She arranged a meeting with the four of us. To my surprise--and great relief--the mom was very open to listening to our concern and point-blank asked her daughter if she had done that. The girl admitted it to her mother and her mother insisted she apologize immediately (which she did). The mother promised it would never happen again. And it did not. It was handled swiftly and rather quietly, which was appropriate I felt.

 

Another incident happened in one of the other middle school grades about a year later when a boy did about the same thing to a girl, only what he posted (as the girl) was very ugly and profane. The girl's parents reported it to the Middle School director and that boy was expelled. Needless to say, his parents (big financial contributors to the school) went on the defensive and refused to acknowledge their son's wrong-doing, excused his actions, insisted the Middle School director had no authority as the boy had not used school computer or been at school when he did it and threatened to sue the private school for re-instatement. I don't believe they carried out that threat, but it sure created a scandal that the whole school community knew about. The Middle School director got both a lot of flak and a lot of support for his decision.

[mom2two]

Devil's advocate here.... Yes this is horrible behavior for tweens/teens but I'm not sure how much a studio can or will get involved. Only you can judge the reaction (positive or negative) that your school will have.

 

Last year we had awful theft issues in the building. Every dancer has a locker but many are bad about using them. There was a time that it seemed like I was hearing of something stolen once or twice a week. One girl left her bag out and someone found her phone and sent rude texts to her contacts, including the girl's mother.

 

I know people complained to the school but all ( that I'm aware of) that resulted was an email sent periodically reminding everyone that the school provides lockers and they are not responsible for any lost or stolen items. Hands off, not interested in policing student behavior.

 

My girls basically knew that if something of theirs was stolen it was their responsibility to replace it because they have a locker and should be using it.

 

Not justifying the behavior at all. Those are some poorly raised/behaved children, but use this as an opportunity to teach your daughter that she has to secure her own belongings, including changing passwords when they are compromised.

 

Maybe your school is much more willing to get involved but I would not bring this to my school's administration because the answer would be "I'm sorry that happened but why wasn't her phone secured in her locker if it was not in her possession?"

[Coco]

firedragon0800, if you feel that the behavior of the girls borders on or falls into the category of bullying, then I think that most schools/programs would want to know. Our experience in both the academic and ballet world is zero tolerance for bullying, face-to-face and cyber. I agree it is a teaching moment for your daughter and I also believe that it is a teaching moment for the young ladies who are using poor judgement. I suppose the questions is, "who is responsible or in the best position to effectively address the actions of the girls?" Personally, I would want to know if my kid were behaving in this manner and would appreciate the opportunity to address it as a parent.

[Amie]

It sounds like there have already been some problems at your school, prompting some new policies there. Therefore, I am sure the school would want to know about this situation. That being said, maybe these younger students don't quite understand the seriousness of their actions. If you feel that way, maybe when you inform the school ask if they can give the girls a less severe punishment and maybe request the administrators/teachers talk to all of the students and parents about what is specifically involved in bullying. This would be beneficial for everyone at the school. Also, I think you would actually be doing these girls a favor by reporting this behavior. Right now they (or at least one of them) think what they did is okay, when obviously it is not. It's best they learn this lesson as early as possible. If they do something like this later on in their lives at their academic school, they could be suspended or expelled depending on the severity of the situation and their age.

[Hillary1]

firedragon,

 

I'm so sorry this has happened. Your DD must feel terribly violated. In reading your post, and the wise posts of others, I have a few thoughts:

 

1. This occurred on ballet school property either between class or rehearsal, therefore it directly involves the dance school.

2. The perpetrators of this crime (and IS a CRIME) feel entitled to carry out this behavior and victimize your DD, blaming her for having such an 'easy' password.

3. Don't waste your time calling their parents. Often the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Unapologetic bratty girls may very well have bratty mothers.

4. It's my humble opinion you should get the school administrator involved. What these girls have done is unkind, cruel, and illegal. While I think it is a natural reaction for your DD to want to handle this on her own, this is a situation requiring adult intervention.

5. If nothing is done by the school, pursue legal action.

 

Good Luck to you!

[Lady Elle]

This was a problem at one of our studios - its was a huge deal and the studio owners were ready to seriously get on this girl. They did kick her off the competition team and its just been a very bad thing for everyone involved. so sorry to hear its happening with you. its a serious thing and should be handled as such!

[Momof3darlings]

The only problem I see in taking it to the school's director is in the possible return of guilt to your own child by them. What I mean by that is, the school could take an approach of "your problem" if your daughter did not have her items secure in the manner they suggest in the first place. That does not make the others right, but it does mean there are teachable moments for all involved. I would speak to the parents. Not in a "see what your kids did" kind of way but more in a "We've recently had to do some damage control with our social media accounts and I'd like to share the why with you" kind of way. While this is not funny, we do have to remember that they are kids and kids pull pranks. Today's kids pranks just have a more direct and public ramification. (Back in the dark ages, it was calling and hanging up on someone. And it was illegal if you did it more than once in a certain time period but you could get away from it because no one could track you without legal papers.)

 

Now don't think I"m soft mom. I'm actually one of the strict ones. But I think finding a way for the kids and their parents to have a teachable moment is the way to make all understand the issue without finger waving. And since you have proof, I'd screen capture that proof to share if need be. Yes, there is a kid who needs to learn a lesson. But I would not say it's a police involvement lesson as of yet. The goal being to keep it from being so for these young ladies later.

 

Personally, I would not be so quick as to call this bullying. For some reason, the term "bullying" has become interchangeable for everything a child does wrong to another child by some. There really is a difference between what is "bullying" and what is a just misbehavior by a child. In this case, there does not seem to be a misuse of power. This sounds more like child misbehavior to me than bullying. I do believe they are different. Remember, "it takes a village", so no matter how you choose to handle it. As long as you think of bettering your own child's internet safety and bettering the other children's use of the internet then you are not wrong. No matter how the others take it.

[firedragon0800]

Normally before or between classes DK's keep their phones in their lockers, forget about even thinking of using them. However, when there are after class rehearsals there is a little more leniency which is when and where this apparently happened. As a point of clarification it seems that two sites snapchat and ig were compromised and email was attempted, but they either weren't successful or didn't follow up. One of the other dk's Mom's called me and said her dd witnessed one of these exchanges between my dd and the other(s) and was upset because she thought the response was unapologetic, unhelpful and over the line.

 

Is this bullying? Here is the transcript between my dd and one of the "offenders":

 

DD: "What did you hack into?

 

DD: " I want a list please"

 

OFF: "Only Snapchat"

 

DD: "what did you attempt to go on?"

 

OFF: "Ur email and that's it. Idk any other accounts u have I wanted email just to get to ur ig. Besides, you should take this as a lesson of not using the same password for everything"

 

DD: "Lol my dad had my phone when u sent that"

 

OFF: "So?"

 

DD: "he was not very happy"

 

OFF: "Well I'm sorry for you because that's the truth"