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Ignore issue and let dd handle or jump in?


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Guest Blossoming ballerina

Fire dragon


I too am very sorry to read your update post. I had to re read it

I really hope your dd next ballet school is such a nurturing place and that she takes with her the vital lessons learnt through this very tough time.


A big hug coming your way. {{{{. }}}}

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this sounds like a terrible shock and I have a few comments-

-if it WAS the result of you bringing this cyber bullying to their attention I would say any school that reacts in this way is one I would not want my children to attend....

-any school that gives you notice with a single phone call and no warning or on going discussion about how they feel your DK is (not) progressing is one I would not want my children to attend.....

-IMHO not fitting well with a ballet school is much like not getting a job after an interview- the one that doesnt want you is perhaps one you don't fit well with, and there is probably somewhere else out there that would suit you better (and like you better). It's a 2 way process, which we often forget (especially when the school has a good reputation or is much sought after).


So perhaps after you have got over the shock you may find it ends up quite positive. It certainly sounds like your DD has outgrown this school interms of her social maturity, if not in terms of her dancing.

I really hope you find somewhere that is a better fit. Good luck and the best of wishes to you both...

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My heart goes out to you and your daughter, Firedragon. Yes, the timing is awful, but I too, can't imagine that the two events were related. I can only imagine how devastated your daughter must feel. However, you sound like an amazing parent, and I know she'll get past this with your help. Who knows, often these things can prove blessings in disguise that take the dk down another path more perfect for them, and they wonder why it took so long to find it. But for now - virtual hugs to you both.

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Firedragon - I'm glad that you called the school to discuss the issue and it seems that their response was a good one.


I'm so sorry about her not being asked back. I can imagine how devastated she must be; what a difficult thing to go through. I find it hard to think that the things are related but certainly the timing is unfortunate.


I hope she recovers from the blow and moves on to find another terrific school where she is happy and blossoms.

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I am very sorry to hear about your and your daughter's plight!


You did the right thing by reporting these incidents and you shouldn't speculate the ifs, buts and whens of the outcome, you'll only drive yourself crazy. The timing from the ballet school was very unfortunate but I do not want to believe it had anything to do with your situation.


It might not look that way right now but be reassured that the tune of 'one door closes another opens' holds true!


Best of wishes to you and your dd.



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Firedragon, I am very sorry to hear about this update. I am 130 percent convinced that your daughter is NOT being cut from the program because you brought to their attention an issue your daughter had with a stolen password. You should not at all feel responsible for getting this call from the school, or feel guilty in any way.


Others have experienced being cut from a program, so you and your daughter are not alone! Although your daughter is devastated now, there are so many options and possibilities out there. She will find a way to continue with her passion, hopefully in a nurturing and encouraging environment. Good luck to you both!!!

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So sorry to read this as well. As the shock wears off, do not forget that there are MANY roads to Rome!


I have seen threads here throughout the years with people noticing that most of the dancers at the top levels of certain schools were fairly new to those schools. Now that dd is an older teen, it's something we have seen first hand multiple times each spring as her friends and acquaintances at certain more well known schools were not invited back. All were resilient in the end and are doing quite well in other programs.

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Thanks to everyone that is offering up their well wishes and thoughts, I really really appreciate it. Generally there is no one magic bullet and that catastrophes are usually 20+ things that go wrong and in a particular sequence. Here are some of the many things that were right and the things that could have gone wrong.


This was not the first controversy dd was involved in, the first happened a few years ago and resulted in a very storied, loved and longtime instructor at the school being summarily exited. With a reputation such as this school it isn't hard to imagine them having to make difficult choices to maintain their brand. I suppose me writing and posting on BT4D would be a enough of a transgression for the School to say, nyet!


Honestly I am not sure what to think, it is just as plausible she was not asked back because of this situation as it is she was not asked back because she wasn't the right fit.


Here are the plus columns:


Always told very good to amazing facility

Started at 6-13.5 at same school

Last three out of four years received 90% scholarship, including last two. (Yes for financial reasons, but also I have to think because they thought she was talented enough)

Has always received accolades, corrections and compliments, been selected for performances this year in particular and is currently understudy for a role in Spring production. Not ignored, other dk's respected and complimented her dancing.

Always complimented on her lines, feet, legs, photogenic, her demeanor and sweetness ability to get along with everyone

Mixed race (Japanese, Scottish, African, American Indian, Greek and Italian)


Here are the negatives:


Didn't dance outside the studio, because on scholarship if found out you could lose it. Not that we could afford it anyway...

Mother didn't support ballet, started suing me to regain custody last August and her lawyer were asking questions of the School they would never or ever want to answer.

DD felt entitled to miss a lot of classes, because other girls did. The difference as I pointed out to her she was being paid to dance, they weren't.

Lived between three households (Mine, Mom's and My Mom's) this year while commuting over 300 miles per week to classes

New routine with homeschooling, plus performances, commuting classes.

Was told to work on increase strength for center work, but wasn't able to afford strengthening classes due to finances

Was told to work on executing more complex routines, i.e. write them down practice, etc. - did not put a lot of effort

DD started commuting on her own the last few months and perhaps missed the "coaching aspect" that we had developed.

Less than 1% of dk's (girls) that start at school at young age finish/graduate...


DD, has already bounced back from yesterday, but it's like the stages of grief, this was like a family, dysfunctional, but family nonetheless. She has already overcome so much adversity and is so strong for this path already traversed that I know there can only be good that comes from this. Each year in the past we always had the discussion, what if? So it's not like we haven't been through the exercise a few times or more, but now it is for real.


I guess when you lose something you can always look back and find something you could have done better to make a difference, in her case there was a lot, but then again maybe there wasn't.


So if anyone has a good plan for what you do when transitioning from an big three letter school we'd love to hear from you!

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I'm sure it will be a process. It's a process even when leaving a school by choice.


At her age/stage, if I were in your shoes, I'd look closely at more local, smaller schools. You may be very pleasantly surprised at what you find. This is recital/spring performance season. Identify some contenders now and go see their performances. You will see first hand what the most advanced students look like. That can be very revealing. There are threads elsewhere on finding a good school with all the other usual advice about class size, environment, curriculum, etc. I think it all boils down to good training and the rest is superfluous. You have both seen enough now to have a concept of what is and what is not good training. Best wishes!

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I'd love to be able to go to a small school, but although I am back to work once she started going to city again, I have a big hole to climb out of financially. Which precludes us to stick with a bigger school with more financial resources and hope for a scholarship.


The big worry is what if I can't even afford to have her pursue ballet at all...tuition is one thing, but our commutation costs were still $30 per day and that's traveling alone.

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Still look at the small schools. You may be surprised. I know that the small school my dd attends quietly has some promising dancers with financial need on scholarships. I have been privvy to that information for other reasons, but I do not believe many are aware at all.

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Let's say for a minute that she was kicked out because of you telling them about the misbehavior of their students. Would you honestly have wanted her to continue in an environment where students are punished for telling the truth? Would you honestly have wanted her to continue to watch her back constantly for the rest of her time there? Would you honestly want your child to be in an environment where the school administration didn't want to support you and your dd in a custody issue?


For me, it looks like your daughter now has a chance at finding a healthy environment, and the both of you now have an opportunity for an honest dialogue about her goals, dreams, and ambitions. You are in a great location for ballet training, and there are so many other stronger, healthier schools where your dd could blossom. Take the gift of time that you have both been given and sort through this as a team.


As far as the financial issues and the custody issues, unfortunately you are not the first family to have gone through this, nor will you be the last. Once you are able to get beyond this with your dd and you are looking through the 20/20 vision of hindsight, I think you, your ex, and your dd will have a better grip on all of this. Let's really focus right now on what your dd wants to do, and if she wants to take a break from ballet I would let her. That situation was toxic.

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firedragon, I too, am sorry to hear this. However, having known many, many dancers who were in the upper levels of the same school your daughter attended who all left because they did not like the atmosphere there, I would look at it as a blessing in disguise. A dancer has to go where the are a good fit regardless of where that might be. Many times we can't see how a situation could possibly get better, but trust me, it will.


I fully agree with what others have posted. Look around. You will find a place for your daughter to dance that will be a better fit. This is not the end of her dancing. If she really wants to continue, it is only the beginning.


We had a somewhat similiar situation a couple of years ago except we were not happy with the studio DD had been attending for 10 years when circumstances made it a neccessity to leave. At the time, DH lost his job and we could not afford any classes for DD. We were lucky to keep our home. DD was not able to take any classes for a few months although at the time, it seemed like it was the end of any and all classes for DD forever and the end of the dream she has had since she started at age 4. It is a sad thing for a parent to have to watch their child see the end of their dreams and be helpless to do anything about it. We contacted every program and every school, even those attached to a company, and even with the financial aid they could offer, there was no way we could pay for the classes. The old studio that we had faithfully supported for 10 years was not willing to help at all. Another well known school was cost prohibitive because of the traveling costs each day.


However, after a few months, a new studio opened. The owners really care about the kids and they loved DD. They were willing, and have continued to be willing, to help in any way they can financially. Not only that, the training is amazing. DD has grown so much. She never would have gotten the opportinuties she now has had it not been for the kindness of her studio owners and their dedication to their students. Their students are now starting to be well known in the ballet world and it is all due to the instructors. They are encouraging and draw out the best in their students. So, my whole point in relaying this drawn out story is to not give up. You've heard the story of how when someone loses a job, something better comes along. It also happens in ballet. Trust me. Something good will come out of this.

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Sorry to hear this firedragon. It appears your very own "negatives" list contains the likely reasons for the dismissal which given those issues raised in your list shows that there might be other reasons for the dismissal than reporting poor behavior of others. So, use this time to help your DD move on. Many a dancer leaves one school and goes to another to find that it is a better fit. Given your "plus" list, I'd venture that if your DD wants to continue to dance she can somewhere else and glowingly. The key is if she has the true desire and if she is able to see that no matter what others do, she has to own her journey in order to succeed. Encourage her that many a dancer who has financial restraints has achieved their goals, it just takes a bit of work-a-bout. Give her many hugs and let her know that really, she may have only limited entry into one track. There are many, many others if she will pick herself up from the bootstraps and look at the brighter side. She may find that the grass is really greener and she is happier in an environment that is different.

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