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Dancemomfrustrated

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Dancemomfrustrated

The idea of doing a trio came up with my daughter and two others during one of their events. They talked of it all through the event and then it stopped. Came time for class picks and I asked my daughter about the trio. She asked the other two and one said she changed her mind and the other said the same. The one my daughter hangs out with more outside of dance kept randomly bringing it up and was saying she couldn't because she wasnt sure if she wanted to compete and time and costs. My daughter said okay and was fine with it. My instincts prior to this have had me tell my daughter I wasn't sure about this friendship. My daughter got a message today from the other two bragging they're doing a duo together. I told my daughter this was a final straw. The one girl she is more friends with was trying to tell her they have been discussing this for a couple of years (which I find hard to believe because she was only able to start doing solo/duo/trio last season). Next thing I know her mom was messaging me trying to justify her daughter's actions and said to me that because the other two are older they have more responsibility to demonstrate technique?! My daughter has been with the studio now for 11 years and on comp team for 7. The one in particular is now in her third season of comp and has only been with the studio about a year before that. My daughter said she's not upset or anything about their duo but I could read it all over her face, she's really hurt. The mom who messaged me said I hope we can let this pass us by because I dont want my daughter thinking she upset your daughter and her family and now I have no one to talk and sit with at comps. I told her what's done is done and if her daughter wasn't being mean she sure is doing a lot of trying to justify herself and that this wasnt the first time she's dissed my daughter. I thanked her for the apologies and didn't say anything more. I know there's a lot of upset in dance and being left out but am I wrong for saying take a step back from her? Like I said earlier, not the first time she's sort of speak, "used" my daughter to make herself look better...

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Redbookish

Welcome to Ballet Talk for Dancers, Dancemomfrustrated. We're glad you found us.

You might take a moment to read through other posts in this forum, as any parents have observed similar situations with their early teen dancing children. This thread in particular might be useful for you to see that a) you're not alone! and b) some strategies - mostly "Try to ignore, and not engage" 

Toxic parents in the ballet world

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Dancemomfrustrated

Thank you. Just very taken back by the mother who both her and her daughter are quiet as mouses and do nothing more than show up to class, pretty much saying my daughter doesnt deserve a chance because she's a year younger and I should sweep it all under the rug so her daughter still remains the quiet, "innocent" acting one. My daughter isn't one to act up or anything but she's outgoing, knows a lot of the others very well, and I'm involved in a lot at the studio. I'm just so frustrated right now it's making me sick. 

Edited by Dancemomfrustrated

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Dancemomfrustrated

The other thing I want to point out is that the mom believing her daughter being a year older has a lot to do with where she is placed and thinking her daughter should be more privileged, her daughter is in all of the same classes as my daughter. After auditions and her daughter being upset she didn't make it into the more intensive she wanted to quit. It was my daughter and I who talked to her and said take this year to be very focused and practice techniques that need work. To paint the picture a bit more another example of her being unkind to my daughter was one night another teammate decided to see if they wanted to do a random photo shoot, the next day. They were told to wear a specific leotard and hair down, straightened. My daughter's leotard no longer fit and I have to help her with her hair because it's very curly and was at work so couldn't be there to help. The girl told her she would let her borrow an extra leotard and help her with her hair. My daughter showed up and she "forgot" the leotard and then didn't "feel like doing her hair". So my daughter got left out of the photos she wasnt even going to attend knowing she wasn't prepared and there has been more talk of my daughter showing up unprepared by a few others who showed up. 

Edited by Dancemomfrustrated

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Redbookish

Dancemomfrustrated, I'm not sure what advice you're asking for here. What other parents and our Teacher Mods can do here is to reassure you that if you keep your focus on your own daughter and her journey, other people's odd behaviours will just tend to melt away. I would suggest that you read through and learn from the experience of others in the thread I linked to - there may be some practical suggestions you can implement there.

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Dancemomfrustrated

Thank you. I told my daughter to take a step back and move on from this girl months ago as I could see through her tactics. Was just looking for the reassurance that me telling my daughter to not worry about her and focus on dance was a good thing, and I'm seeing it was. Also me not engaging into conversation with the mother any further then sticking up for my daughter and said what's done is done and thank you for the apologies was too much, too little? We all want what's best for our children and sometimes just need to hear it from others you're doing the right thing. 

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Noodles

Welcome Dancemomfrustrated, I would like to suggest that this is a good life lesson about dealing with difficult people. Not every one is a true friend but in the dance world it is important to maintain healthy working relationships. In this case it might be best for you and your daughter to 1) take mental note of these actions and keep in mind that these girls have their own agenda 2) be polite and mentally move on. Hanging onto the hurt will not change anything. Just carry on life as normal, focus on the tasks at hand and don't allow yourself to get caught up in drama. 

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Sugarmama

The best way I found to deal with Relational Aggression (the undercover mean-girl treatment you describe) was to seek out other positive opportunities for my DD -master classes, professional performances, photo shoots, musical theater opportunities, auditions, etc- that were OUTSIDE the home school so she was 1) learning to make her own path  2) not feeling left out  and 3) not chasing after those who would bully and exclude her. 

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Dancemomfrustrated

Thank you Noodles and Sugarmama, 

I told the mom what's done is done and want to hear no more of it and thanked for apologies. It's not my daughter who will now have a reputation and I think why her mom reached out is because of the guilt and realization of the reputation this will give. My daughter isn't one to go and put her on blast, the others will eventually figure it out when my daughter isn't in their dance. I was more worried that I didn't say enough or said too much to the mom and that I hope telling my daughter to step back from her was the right path. I say step back considering it's a small studio and a cordial relationship needs to be held. 

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nynydancer

Smart for you to take the high road!  I completely get how you feel and I know it's awful when these little exclusions happen. Once in a while my DD14 will come home and say someone she thought she was her friend did this or that that was pretty cagey and dodgy in class.  It just reminds me that in a competitive ballet environment, true good friends who celebrate your wins and achievements are to be cherished.  We learned that the hard way over the past year because we transitioned to a school where everyone wants to be a professional dancer, everyone is pretty great, and many of the families have sacrificed much to attend the school, including picking up and moving across the country.  Even kids my DD thought were nice, she would have little moments with. But the friends who are with you when you WIN and LOSE, or stay in the dance due to loyalty and not letting their peers down are GOLDEN.

And who knows, maybe those two were afraid of being outshone by your DD!

My son is in a situation where he was asked to pas with a very good dancer, but he is already committed to someone who is not so well known and would not dream of not doing the pas with her in order to dance with the other gal.   I am glad he feels that way.

Finally, I would like to warn you ever so gently-- being a visibly frustrated dance mom at any studio is not good and may earn you the label of "toxic" yourself before you know it.  I am not saying you are.  Do stay on your high road -- I commend you for moving on and letting go!

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Funfetti

Dancemomfrustrated, 

Let.it.out! Sometimes we just need to vent...anonymously. You are heard.  🧡 I have found, as stated above, there is nothing new under the sun and you will find some words of wisdom in these threads. 

You will never regret taking the high road, and you can't unring the bell. Thankfully, these frustrations and scenarios are temporary and have little to do with where they will land. 

Hang in there! Hope you're feeling better!

 

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Dancemomfrustrated

NyNyDancer and Funfetti: 

Thank you! I am totally guilty of letting someone who does not understand the concept of how things work get to me. Its unfortunate the other mom isn't in the know and has the mindset she does, but she could also do more than drop her child off at the door. The other mom has used me to find out information and has told me if it wasnt for me she wouldn't know anything. I'm more than positive I get the behind the back eye rolls...I step up and help out when and where other parents will not (funny these are always the first to complain). The one girl who gave my daughter a hard time was ready to call it quits when she didn't get placed where she "thought" she should have and then began saying auditions were judged by favoritism. So the writing on the wall is clear of how serious this girl is vs my daughter about dance. Just hard to explain to some who think because they're a year older it automatically puts them in the next tier, is not how it works! Whether they are 8 or 18, they all hold the responsibility to demonstrate technique, no matter where they are placed from auditions! We did have hope my daughter would have moved up a level in one particular class but she didn't and she is okay with it because she's taking it as it gives her another year to work hard and she still gets to dance! My husband pointed out too, it's our daughter in the front lines for a reason and not the other who thinks she should be because she's a year older now...and I did bring this situation up to the director, her thoughts were exactly the same as mine, take the high road because you can't make someone understand who just clearly doesnt get it. 

Edited by Dancemomfrustrated

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Eligus

Dancemomfrustrated --

We've all been there, so we all understand the frustration, and as others above have stated, this is a safe place to vent that frustration without many unintended consequences.  During the years my DD was growing up in ballet, when I had those moments (and after I vented to my spouse), my spouse gently reminded me that it was not my job to "teach" others, and that most of us must learn things on our own time and through circumstances personal to us.  It took me a long time to learn that... :lol:

I will say, just to show you a potentially different perspective, that there might be MANY reasons that the other mom "drops her child off at the door."  For many years, I -- too -- volunteered and was "in the know" - until I realized that *I* had difficulty privately handling *MY* personal feelings of hurt or anger about what happened to my DD.  At that point, I realized that perhaps I was TOO involved, and I pulled back and started dropping off my child at the door -- it was healthier for EVERYONE. 

I am not saying you are too involved, I am saying *I* was, and the only way I could help both my DD and me was to pull back in my involvement with the organization.  There were, of course, also some other factors that contributed to that decision that are not appropriate for this thread (or maybe for public airing).  My point is, there are, obviously, many reasons parents choose not to volunteer, and that means (of course) that those parents who choose not to volunteer may not be as knowledgeable as you are about "how things are done."  But -- trust me -- they either get there, and then they TRULY understand how ballet works because they have personally gone through many lessons, or they quit. 

The good news for you is that it works out either way, you just must be patient through the process of other people figuring it out.  But you will NEVER regret taking the high road in these situations, and you set a good example for your DD to learn that potential lesson herself.

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Dancemomfrustrated

Eligus, 

I understand what you're saying about dropping off and going. Everyone is different, just a bit of annoyance when she solely relys on me for the information I may not even have all the facts for. 

My DD does an extra class she attended last night. While she was there I ran over to the grocery and bumped into someone I know from way back. Asked why I was in the area (I live in a different town). Said they knew of girl who gave my DD a hard time from a sport she played in the past and gave it up for dance. Long story short, mom had same mindset, her DD was to have the better positions, etc because of xyz, and mom was sweet as pie in person but through emails she was a totally different person. Her DD didn't get her way and switched to dance...I think I see the pattern and glad to have had the hunch to take the high road! 

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